


let's hurt tonight

by seoktothegyu



Series: some say love is pain [1]
Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Smut, switch!Jaehyungparkian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:22:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 36,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24055108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seoktothegyu/pseuds/seoktothegyu
Summary: Like a good best friend, Brian offers for Jae to use his body after every single time Jae's relationships fall apart.or, the one wherein Brian is a lovesick masochist and Jae is too oblivious for his own good (or so we think).
Relationships: Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jaehyung | Jae
Series: some say love is pain [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1828321
Comments: 126
Kudos: 259
Collections: Day6 OTPs





	1. so you hit the lights and i'll lock the doors

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Let's Hurt Tonight" by OneRepublic. If you can tell, I love them so much lol (along with Day6 and All Time Love, of course) give the song a listen, it’s so good!
> 
> For this fic, I wanted to see if I can create a good balance between sexy and emotional scenes. I'm also not exactly confident in writing explicit scenes so I really am trying. This fic probably won't be as long as my other multi-chapters though, as I just wanted to try my hand at it (this prompt).  
> Also, please treat any other characters mentioned aside from three of our boys as OCs ☺
> 
> Hope you like it!
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this story are either products of my imagination or are used fictitiously.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it all began.

The first time something happened, they were a little drunk.

Jae had barged into Brian’s dorm room one Sunday evening, carrying a bag full of cans of beer. Brian had been cramming an essay paper due very soon for his philosophy class but the moment his eyes met Jae’s, puffy, drooping with exhaustion, and red-rimmed, he immediately dropped everything to ask what’s wrong.

“It’s Hyerim,” Jae started, voice hoarse and face tense at the mention of his girlfriend’s name—correction: ex-girlfriend, “I caught her cheating on me with another guy."

“Oh shit.” Brian quickly stood up from his desk chair to sit with Jae on the bed. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Brian grimaced as soon as the words left his mouth. _Of course he’s not okay._

His friend let out a humourless chuckle. “Earlier today, I decided to surprise her at her dorm room because she kept saying that I don’t spend enough time with her. Turns out, I was the one who ended up getting the surprise of the decade.” He shrugged, laying back to stare at the ceiling. “But I guess I deserve it. She felt lonely because I neglected her.”

Brian was having none of it. 

Clicking his tongue, he leaned forward to crowd Jae’s vision. “Fuck, no. You were both busy with classes and you were also working two part-time jobs to save up for new filming equipment. She said she understood that when she pursued you a few months ago so this is all on her. No amount of neglect warrants cheating, Jae. I’m not going to let you blame yourself and think less of who you are because of it. Not on my fucking watch.”

Jae stared back at him, a little surprised by the intensity behind his words. He didn’t expect his best friend would react so strongly about this. But even so, he felt himself start to relax because of it—trusting Brian to shoulder some of those burdens from him, even just for a night.

“You were only that busy for like, what, barely a month?” Brian continued with a scoff. “If she couldn’t handle waiting, she should’ve just broken up with you instead of this. To think I actually thought she was nice.”

Brian’s gaze held Jae captive. He felt somewhat pleased and amused that Brian was this worked up over it on his behalf. Maybe he was still too shocked about everything that happened that was why he couldn’t bring himself to feel the complete extent of this betrayal. But it was more than comforting to see that Brian is angry enough for the both of them. 

He really is a good friend.

After a while, he released a sigh before breaking off his gaze.

“Can you hand me one?” He was pertaining to the many cans of beer that ended up on the floor, effectively changing the subject.

Grabbing two, one for Jae and one for him, Brian rested his back against the wall, the side of his hip pressed against Jae’s shoulder.

After Jae opened the can, he sat up to copy Brian’s position in bed. They quickly went through a few rounds of drinks in silence while Brian calmed himself and Jae contemplated his ruined relationship.

But it was when Jae’s thoughts started to get a bit hazy and unfocused that his usual filters grew a bit looser as he wondered, “Is it weird that I don’t feel as hurt as I thought I’d be?”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged. “Just that. I don’t know if, deep down, I was kind of expecting it when she started getting cold with me. Or because we’ve fallen out of love or some shit.”

Brian hummed in response, not having anything useful to supply to Jae’s musings just yet.

“Do you know what my first thought was after seeing them in bed together?” Jae prompted, playing with the can of beer on his hand and leaving tiny dents along the cylinder with his nails.

“What?”

“I was barely out her door when I thought, ‘Great, now I can finally have more time editing my latest project.’” He let out a self-deprecating laugh.

“Then maybe this was for the best.” Brian gently nudged his elbow. “Your relationship probably wasn’t heading anywhere. At least you got out of it now.”

“Always looking at the bright side, huh, Bri?” Jae threw him an amused smile. “No, but seriously, I’d like to think so too. Maybe we would’ve broken up sooner or later even if this morning didn’t happen. I just—” He frowned, sagging against the wall, “you, of all people, know me the most, right?”

Brian nodded. “Of course. We’ve been best friends since we were little.” _And my world pretty much revolved around you since high school._

Jae continued, “Then you know how much I hate change.” He sighed, taking a huge gulp of beer. “But maybe you’re right. I needed this. This might be good for me. I’m a firm believer that things always happen for a reason after all.”

“That’s the spirit.” Brian cheered playfully in a falsetto as an attempt to bring a smile to his best friend’s face. His heart soared when he was rewarded with more than that.

Jae chuckled. “No, Bri, I mean, if something is meant to happen then sooner or later, it will happen, you know?”

Brian didn’t but still, he nodded because he knew how much Jae believed in it. 

The older continued, “I’m sorry I had to drag you into my mess. You were clearly doing something when I got here.” He looked at the laptop sitting at standby on the desk, bathing the space in soft blue light. That, along with the dim bedside lamp, made the entire room feel somewhat warm and calming.

Brian waved him off. “It’s fine. It’s just a short essay for philo class. Even if you hadn’t come, I probably would still be on page one. I needed the distraction.”

“Good to know my failed relationship is a good distraction for you then.” Brian looked at his friend, afraid he took his words the wrong way, but he was relieved to find a small smile on Jae’s face. “When is it due?”

_Tomorrow afternoon._

“Don’t worry about it.” Brian deflected. He knew that if Jae found out about it, he would instantly leave the room and force Brian to finish it. But at that moment, it was the furthest thing on his mind. Right now, he just wanted to do everything to make his best friend feel better. 

Jae stared at him, a look of disbelief on his face. Of course, he, of all people, knows Brian the most too. And so even though he suspected that the deadline must’ve been close, he also knows how stubborn Brian can get. 

Resting his head back against the wall, he took Brian’s cue and changed the subject, “You know what I’m not looking forward to after this breakup though?”

“What?”

“Weeks and maybe even months of sexless nights.” He let out a laugh. “The ultimate downside of being single.”

Brian snorted lightly, downing the rest of his drink before joking, “I’m single but I have no trouble looking for hookups. What’s your excuse?”

Jae bumped his shoulder against his friend’s. “Not all of us are as hot, sexy, and fuckable as you, Bribri. The rest of us have to work real hard for that, unlike you who have people lining up for left and right.” 

_Well that’s subtle..._ Brian mused, feeling himself melt because of Jae calling him all those things. Hope is indeed a powerful thing.

_He really thinks that of me?_

“True.” Brian played along, unable to think of anything else to say at the moment. Instead, he just chuckled with the way Jae made it sound like he had a pretty active sex life. 

Which was actually far from the truth. Most of his potential hookups usually ended up getting kicked out of his dorm room before things get even remotely good. Something about Jae’s face popping up in his head almost every single time that kind of ruins the mood for him. Because for sure these people wouldn’t be able to give him what he wanted then so why bother going through with it.

But he figured his best friend didn’t need to know that. Especially when he just got out of a relationship. He needed Brian to be his friend then and so the younger kept it all in. 

He was used to it anyway.

Completely oblivious to his thoughts, Jae groaned before resting his head on Brian’s shoulder. “God, it just sucks sometimes to be the ugly, plain, and boring me that nobody wants.”

Maybe it was in the way that even though he said it jokingly, Brian still detected some truth behind them—that Jae actually believed those words. Or maybe it was because he couldn’t stand the thought of Jae thinking that he’s less than what he actually is—perfect (at least in Brian’s eyes).

Or maybe it was just the alcohol, giving him false bravado.

But for whatever reason, he found his hand on top of Jae’s thigh.

His best friend’s focus zeroed in on the contact, not daring to move a muscle as his heartbeat spiked because of it. But other than that, he stayed silent. Anticipating.

“You’re none of those things, Jae. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Trust me.” Brian whispered, low and husky as he started to slowly run his hand up, gently kneading the muscles underneath.

The tips of Brian’s fingers dug softly against the inside of his thigh before stilling his motions. Instead, he began playing with the drawstrings of Jae’s sweatpants, tugging and twirling it on his fingers until the back of his hand accidentally nudged against Jae’s crotch.

“Bri—” Jae breathed out.

Brian finally looked back at him. Jae couldn’t be too sure, what with his addled and slightly intoxicated brain, but he could’ve sworn he’d seen hints of lust, determination, and something else he couldn’t name shining in his best friend’s eyes. Something warm and pleasant.

His eyes held a question as he stared back at Brian.

“Bri, _please..._ ” He didn’t even know what he was asking for.

He held his breath as he waited. 

Brian savoured the sound that just came out of his friend’s mouth. More than proud that his simple touches were what caused it. His entire being held onto it that all of his thoughts fell silent as he let his instincts take over. 

He leaned closer, too encouraged to even realize the full weight of his next words. 

“Let me make you feel better tonight.”

To add to that, he loosened the knot of Jae’s pants with a simple flick of his wrist. The gesture was both an invitation and a promise to all the things he had in mind.

“A-Are you sure?” Jae hesitantly asked, lifting his head away from Brian’s shoulder. His eyes flit all over his friend’s face, unable to look away. He was still a little inebriated to consider doing anything else other than expect for more. 

All he can think of right now is that Brian wants him to feel good, as simple as that. 

He really is a good friend.

“Please, Jae. I want this too.” When Jae still looked a little uncertain, Brian added, “We don’t have to make a big deal out of it. It’s _just_ sex.” 

And he probably shouldn’t have said those last words, as he’ll definitely regret them for the many months to come, but at that moment, he was too taken by his best friend’s open and trusting expression to care much about anything else.

Thus came the final nail to his coffin.

“Oh, _fuck it_ — okay, okay.” Jae grabbed him by the shoulders to pull him closer, eyes fluttering shut before tentatively crashing their lips together for the first time. It started off a little tense, both trying to get used to the feeling, but when Brian tilted his head just the slightest bit to one side, Jae sighed into the kiss, fully succumbing to it. He tasted the lingering hints of beer on their mouths but he didn’t mind it at all because of how warm and soft Brian felt pressed against him. He wanted to feel more of him so he wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck, looking for something to anchor himself with as he drew him in infinitely closer.

Brian took that as a positive response so his hands slowly and seductively traveled all the way up Jae’s torso to grab his face and wasted no time trying to deepen the kiss. Their lips slotted in the most perfect way possible as if eager to familiarize themselves with the sensation. Both tried to take charge of the kiss but they quickly found their rhythm when Jae decided to let Brian take the lead. After that, it easily escalated into something hot and messy as Brian began tasting the inside of Jae’s mouth, their tongues mingling together in the most delicious way imaginable. 

“Oh shit—” Brian cut off Jae’s words as he shifted his position, throwing a leg over him to straddle his lap. 

Jae’s breath hitched as Brian moved away from his lips only to leave a trail of kisses down his neck. He lingered there for a bit, nipping and sucking on his favorite spots—places he had always been dreaming of tasting—and only moving on until he was sure they’ll bruise.

He then found himself mouthing along Jae’s collarbones, the sharp swell of them so unbelievably sexy that they kept taunting him every single time he was rewarded a peek from loose-fitting necklines. He began to take claim of them as his hands slipped under Jae’s shirt, exploring the expanse of smooth skin. He revelled in the way Jae grew pliant under his touch. He easily found those soft buds, his thumbs quickly working to get them perked up, and earning him a gasp from the older. 

Once he was satisfied, he moved lower to worship Jae’s slim stomach after he hastily bunched up the shirt. He felt the faint outline of ribs on his lips as he continued staking his claim and leaving marks wherever he pleased, the constant nipping and sucking drew out the most sinful sounds from the older. His hands then gripped Jae’s hips, the tips of his fingers deliciously digging into him and keeping him where he wanted him that easily had the other squirming underneath his touch. Without warning, he started palming the tent of his member, working to get it fully erect.

“Oh god, Bri—”

“Good?” The nerve of Brian to simply smirk at Jae’s desperate pleas only intensified the heat igniting from deep within his gut.

When he didn’t get a verbal response, Brian playfully pulled the elastic band of Jae’s pants before letting it go to snap back against his hips. 

Jae jumped in surprise. Eyeing Brian with narrowed but slightly clouded eyes, he told him, “Asshole.”

The resulting chuckle from the younger was so low and deep with arousal that the sound of it easily went straight to Jae’s dick.

“Keep going—” he whined, eyes falling shut as his hips involuntarily moved towards Brian’s hands.

_What a big baby._

Amused, Brian finally decided to stop teasing as he leaned back down to place open-mouthed kisses on the hollows of his hips as his hands worked to slowly drag his sweatpants and boxers off, pooling them past his knees. He was greeted with the beautiful sight of milky white legs that stretched for days and an eager and waiting cock resting on Jae’s lower stomach. He felt himself start to grow hard as well because of it.

Bending down, he started to leave feather-light kisses on the inside of his thighs, leaving bruises left and right, moving all the way up but stopping when he gets too close to where Jae wanted him the most. 

“Fuck, Bri—” Jae moaned, breathless and desperate. Brian found that he quite liked the sound of it. 

He looked up at him through his lashes. Jae had his teeth worrying his lower lip, flustered cheeks, hands gripping the sheets on either side of him, and eyes hooded with lust as he met Brian’s gaze, pleading. 

“Get to it already,” Jae whined, making Brian let out a laugh.

Even through the haze of arousal, his needy and demanding personality still shone through. Brian was more than endeared with that discovery. He had half a mind to want to keep him at his toes just so he could get to hear more of this. And he would have done it, except that Jae had already started begging.

“Oh god, please, Bri, _please_ —” the sound of it was so low, so desperate that had Brian keening with desire. 

_He really wants me, too._ Was his last thought before his lips finally wrapped around Jae’s aching cock, taking him in and tasting him for the first time. 

Jae’s voice broke as he moaned the younger’s name, feeling the heat of his mouth and the delicious sensation of his tongue almost too much for him to handle but still not nearly enough. Brian looked back at him again, daringly holding his gaze to make sure that he’s watching as he went in deeper until the head of Jae’s member hit the back of his throat. 

Gasps, moans, and whimpers slipped from Jae’s lips. _Brian, oh god, Bri—_

Brian started off slow, letting his lips drag against the length as his hand wrapped at the base where he couldn’t reach, pumping in time with his mouth. His tongue played with the head, giving it extra attention after knowing how sensitive it is from the way Jae quickly gripped his hair with one hand because of it— _fuck, Bri, so good._ Brian hummed, letting him feel the vibrations before his tongue dug into the slit, making Jae’s cock jerk inside his mouth. _Fucking fuck—_

Brian started to go faster and deeper as he felt Jae’s grip on him tighten. Gasps, moans, and whimpers turned into incoherent pleas of Brian’s name as the younger quickly worked him to the edge. Brian’s head bobbed along the length as the wet and slick sounds of it started reverberating in the room. He kept going faster and deeper still until finally, he felt Jae tense against him. 

“Bri— you gotta,” Jae warned, panting, “Fuck, I’m close, I—”

His hand turned into fist on the back of Brian’s head, with the other gripping the sheets as Brian’s mouth worked him for the last time before releasing him. And in no time, he climaxed, spurting strings of white sticky liquid all over his stomach and upper thighs. 

“God damn, Bri—” Jae panted, staring at the ceiling. “You’re something else. Really.” 

He started chuckling, blissful, before looking back down to his chest where Brian rested his chin, watching him with a stupid grin.

“Oh, shit. Sorry Bri.” He saw that a few drops of his spunk got onto one of the younger’s cheeks. “Here, let me.” 

Pulling down the hem of his shirt, he gently cupped the side of Brian’s face to wipe him clean.

Brian’s heart throbbed with the tender way Jae held him. _He’s so perfect._

He marvelled at the beautiful sight, Jae’s eyebrows furrowed a bit in concentration, eyelids that started to get heavy with sleep, and lips parted slightly as his breathing slowly returned to normal. And oh god, those lips. Those chapped but plump lips that always seem to form an innocent pout. Everything about them is perfect; an upper lip that rivals that of a cupid’s bow and a lower lip powerful enough to make any man or woman sink to their knees. Their soft pink hue that always gave Brian the image of an endless rose field; the soft and delicate feel of them against his own made Brian realize that this must be what touching the clouds feels like. Brian could happily spend days just worshipping them. If he played his cards right, he might actually achieve it.

His heart soared now that he was finally able to taste them. It wasn’t what he was expecting at all. It was _so much more_. The sensation that surged through him was unimaginably wonderful. Heavenly, even. It took his mind somewhere magical that he’ll want to spend the rest of his life trying to keep going back to it—back to him.

After his face was cum-free, Brian dragged the hem of Jae’s shirt down to his lower abdomen, cleaning him off as well. 

“You can borrow one of mine.” He told him as he eyed the new stains on Jae’s shirt. He pulled the older’s boxers and sweatpants back in place with Jae letting out a weak moan as Brian accidentally nudged his sensitive member in doing so.

The older merely hummed in response. Brian met his eyes again only to see that they’re drooping shut and trying really hard to stay awake. 

A fond smile slowly stretched across Brian’s face.

He felt somewhat proud that he was lucky enough to know that Jae is the kind who gets sleepy after climaxing, an information that is both too personal and intimate to the older.

“Bri?” Jae’s voice, nothing but a low whisper, pulled Brian’s thoughts back to reality.

“What is it, Jae?” He was quick to respond.

He had his eyes closed when he faintly asked, “Can I stay over?” One of his hands found Brian’s nape, his fingers absentmindedly playing with his hair. “I’m afraid to start sleeping alone again.” 

Hearing this made his heart clench inside his chest. Just because Jae said that he kind of expected their relationship to end, didn’t mean that it hurt him any less.

He knew his friend like the back of his hand. That’s why he also knew that under normal circumstances, Jae would never admit to saying any of this out loud. Brian wanted nothing more than to wipe that frown away.

Adjusting his position in bed, he laid down beside the older, gently wrapping an arm around his waist. 

“It’s okay. I’m here.” He whispered back even though he knew that Jae’s already asleep, that his promise wouldn’t be heard. “I’ll never leave your side.”

Silence fell between them as he listened to the constant sound of Jae’s breathing, letting the calm wash over him as he tucked his chin to place a kiss on top of Jae’s head.

Because of the gentle touch, Jae unconsciously nuzzled closer to Brian’s chest.

_Yes, Jae. It’s me. I’m right here._

It didn’t take long for Brian to fall asleep as well, the soft sound of Jae’s tiny snores enveloping his heart.

  
  
  


The next morning, Brian was startled awake by the sound of his alarm. His chest lurched to find the empty space beside him in bed. He looked around the room only to find that everything was completely the same. Except for a few small things that if he wasn’t paying enough attention, he would’ve missed them; a bright yellow post-it note on his laptop, freshly made coffee in his coffee-maker, a newly washed mug drying by the tiny sink, and a white shirt folded neatly on top of his laundry hamper—Jae’s shirt from last night.

Heat rose to his cheeks as he was instantly reminded of what had happened. Normally, he would’ve caved into himself out of embarrassment for being so bold and aggressive, except for the fact that he knew, clear as day, Jae enjoyed it as much as he did too.

A smile slowly stretched across his face as he remembered the sounds that spilled from Jae’s mouth, the way he begged for Brian without hesitation, and the way he held him as he cleaned the side of his face. Closing his eyes, he could still feel the gentle touch against his skin. 

_Can I stay over?_

His eyes flew open as he remembered Jae uttering those words—a short moment of vulnerability that Brian treasured being able to be a part of. Glad that he was able to make Jae feel better and to provide him with blissful relief even just for a night. And judging by the way he was rewarded with Jae resting his head on Brian’s chest as he slept? Brian knew without a hint of doubt that he would do it all again in a heartbeat.

He laid there for a few more minutes, savouring the lingering feel of Jae’s lips against his, before begrudgingly getting out of bed to start the day. As much as he wanted to just lounge around and replay everything that happened last night in his head, he still had that dreaded paper due in a few hours and he had classes to attend to on top of it.

With a heavy sigh, he sank down to his chair in front of the laptop, the screen dimmed from being left on standby. Peeling the note from the screen, his spirits quickly improved upon seeing the familiar handwriting, written in a small font to fit all of the words.

_bribri,_

_before you read further, go check your essay._

Confused, he brought his laptop back to life. Within seconds, the work that he left last night and had been dreading to get back to harshly flashed to him on the screen. Except, his eyes widened to see that it now had two whole pages worth of words written on it.

_am i the best or what? no but seriously, just wanted to thank you for everything that you do for me. you really are a good friend._

_j_

_p.s.: i also made coffee. i know how grumpy you get in the morning without them. istg, only you would be classy enough to have a coffee-maker in their room, you dork_

As he read the note again, heart thudding loudly in his chest, he couldn’t help feeling that he might actually have a chance after all. That Jae would understand why he kept these feelings to himself all this time. And, now that he’s single, Jae might actually start seeing Brian as an option too. 

He was too focused on this thought that he basically forgot waking up alone to an empty bed, that Jae left before he even woke up even though the older had no classes in the morning and his shift at the university cafe didn’t usually start in the late afternoon. And that Jae had every opportunity to stay with Brian, except he didn’t.

None of these crossed his mind as he gazed at the yellow post-it note with a stupid grin on his face once more. It was small but thoughtful gestures like this that made Brian fall in love with him over and over by each passing day.

_I’m afraid to start sleeping alone again._

He couldn’t help but hope that maybe, just maybe, Jae might start to see that Brian has been with him all along.

Hope is indeed a powerful thing.


	2. let's say all of the things that we couldn't before

The night Brian realized he was in love with Jae was the same night he knew right away that he couldn’t pursue him.

It was the night before they started junior year in high school and Brian slept over at Jae’s house; just two eager and slightly anxious teens finding comfort and assurance in each other’s company.

They laid on opposite positions in Jae’s bed, Brian’s head on the pillows with the older’s feet merely inches from the side of his face. Staring at the ceiling, they chatted for a few hours remembering about all the things they expected from high school, most of which were heavily influenced by what they saw on movies and TV shows. Going to crazy parties, meeting new friends, and maybe even experiencing plenty of relationships throughout all of it. 

They laughed about how that hadn’t been the case at all. For one, they quickly found out they didn’t like going to those parties. And for another, they made a few casual friends, been in short-lived relationships here and there, but they still mostly stuck to each other all through the first two years of high school. 

At half past one in the morning, as they lost their steam and were both already starting to feel sleepy, Jae’s quiet voice pierced the silence in the room.

“Bri?” He started hesitantly.

“Yeah?” Brian didn’t dare to look at his friend, the vulnerability he heard in Jae’s voice stopping him. He was afraid that if once their eyes met, Jae’s walls would rise back up and the words would be left buried deep within the recesses of his mind, unheard and lost to the world forever.

Jae cleared his throat. His voice sounded firmer but the tone alone still held all of his worries. “Promise me that we won’t fuck this up. That we’ll both work equally hard so that we’ll end up getting into the same uni, okay?”

Brian’s heart throbbed inside his chest. An inexplicable feeling took over him, making the tips of his fingers tingle from it. He had been feeling it a lot lately, all of it caused by either something that Jae said or some other sweet and thoughtful thing that he did, not only to Brian but to other people around him as well. It was the same warm and pleasant feeling that made his insides melt at the thought of Jae wanting and worrying about them being together even well into the future. 

As he tried to imagine what his life would’ve been like if he didn’t have Jae by his side, the wind was almost knocked out of his lungs with how much it hurt just to think about it. He’d have no one to entrust his darkest and deepest thoughts to, no one to share inside jokes with, and no one to know how to make him feel the happiest he’s ever felt other than his best friend. His world revolved around him, he simply couldn’t function without him. Right from the start, it had always been Jae.

_Fuck, I think I love him?_

Shaking his head, he figured that wasn’t the case. He had always loved Jae, no doubt about that. No, it was more of him realizing that he had fallen in far deeper than he thought he had. And so, he tried naming this beautiful feeling again, no longer shying away from it.

 _I think I’ve fallen_ in love _with him. Have for a while now._

He felt as if a huge burden had been lifted off his chest now that he’d fully accepted what he’d been feeling all those weeks leading up to this. A small smile slowly stretched across his lips as he repeated the words in his head.

_Oh god, I’m in love with Jae. I’m in love with my best friend._

Giddiness bubbled up inside of him. Before, Brian kept telling himself that he didn’t know what was happening to him. That he was just being weird every time he stared at Jae for longer than necessary, or that he always kept finding reasons to be with him, to touch him, and to feel his warmth pressed against him. But deep down, he had just been too afraid to admit it. And to have Jae openly bare his worries to him under the dim moonlight permeating through the window blinds, Brian felt himself start to get brave too.

“Of course, Jae. I’ll do whatever it takes.” He took a deep breath. _Here goes nothing._ “You’re the only constant thing in my life. I’d be nothing without you.”

But it appeared Jae didn’t catch the full weight of his words as he continued spilling his thoughts into the darkness, “Seriously, I can’t wait to experience more of everything with you. I mean, sure, we’ll probably get into many more flings and relationships just for the hell of it. Just to have something to learn from and laugh about together since that kind of love doesn’t last anyway. But _us?_ Jae and Brian, Brian and Jae? It’ll be you and me against the world, okay? Just like the way it’s always been. Right, Bri?”

And just like that, Brian’s hopes came crashing back down on him. 

“What do you mean?” He asked carefully, afraid to ask but knowing he’d regret it if he didn’t. “You think love doesn’t last?”

“Well, that’s just based on my experience.” Jae shared, sounding easy and casual as if the matter actually didn’t mean that much to him. Brian’s heart broke some more. “You know that I’ve secretly been in love with someone for years, right? Like, I know the way it sounds considering I’m only seventeen but I swear, I was so sure that I finally met _the_ one. It’s all I’ve known for so long. And then, quick as lightning, I got my heart crushed to pieces right in front of me. It was devastating. But if I can get over loving someone that much, then surely the next heartbreaks to happen in my life would hurt less because I now know better than to let myself get too attached.”

A lot of thoughts plagued Brian’s mind. Yes, he knew that Jae had feelings for someone but Jae never told him who. And strangely enough, he didn’t dare push to know who it actually was. Well, after his epiphany merely five minutes ago, he’s now realized the real reason why he avoided asking. He was also admittedly glad Jae got over whoever that person is. But then, how can he keep feeling relieved about it if the loudest thought he had at the moment was of Jae’s resulting pessimistic take on love because of it?

_That’s what he thinks of relationships? Something inconsequential enough not to get attached to?_

It all felt so jarring and disorienting. He hadn’t been given even just a sliver of a chance. Just then, he was so ready to tell his best friend everything. But the words suddenly died in his throat after hearing what his friend thought of love. It was like ice cold water had been poured all over him. He knew immediately that he couldn’t want Jae, couldn’t let his feelings rise to the surface. Not if he didn’t want his best friend to start seeing him differently. 

_I’ll be categorized as one of those people in his life; fleeting and temporary. I can’t have that. Not when he’s the only constant thing in my life. So if the only way to keep him for a long time is to be his friend, then that’s what I’ll be._

He felt his eyes start welling up. He shifted his position, twisting sideways so that his back was to Jae. Thankful for the darkness, Brian let the tears fall, silent and pitiful. He didn’t have the strength to keep the conversation going so he stayed still, hoping Jae would assume that he’d already succumbed to sleep.

“Brian?” Jae’s voice called to him after a few minutes. “You still with me?”

Every fiber in his body longed to turn back and keep talking, just to hear more of Jae’s voice. 

Jae chuckled when he didn’t get a response from the younger, the sound of it so fond and adoring.

Brian’s heart ached some more.

“Good night, you sleepyhead.” Jae whispered into the night.

Brian felt fingertips lightly tapping the skin above his calf and slipping just a tad bit underneath the hem of his pajama before retreating. He forbade himself to savor it, choosing to ignore the warmth that lingered on his skin.

They might be sleeping in the same bed together but for Brian, he just felt lonely and isolated. For the first time in his life, he couldn’t confide to his best friend what was on his mind. He couldn’t ask him for advice or to seek comfort in his embrace for _he_ was the very reason behind all of it.

On top of that, Brian was also upset with himself. For being the cliché idiot who fell in love with his best friend. For not being content enough with what they had, and for wanting more than this. Now look where it led him. For the first time in years, he’d kept a secret from Jae. He hadn’t even done anything about these feelings yet and already, it had resulted into an unnecessary rift between them, at least from his perspective.

He figured this was for the best. If he’d confessed earlier not knowing about Jae’s views on love, he’d surely put a strain on their friendship. He couldn’t even handle the thought of doing that. So instead, he just echoed Jae’s words. He deluded himself into believing that this feeling wouldn’t last. And that he’d get over him soon enough. 

He told himself these things because at the moment, it was what he needed to convince himself not to do or say anything.

He didn’t know how long he wallowed in his self-inflicted misery like that. The tears had long dried on his cheeks and he could clearly hear the constant and hypnotic sound of Jae’s breathing.

Carefully, he sat up in bed to see his friend fast asleep, hugging a chicken head pillow tightly against his chest. It was Brian’s birthday gift to him when he turned thirteen. Brian watched the peace and calm that washed over Jae’s face, letting the sight soothe his worries. 

In the quietest voice he could muster, Brian finally let out the very thing he’d wanted to tell him earlier in the evening, “I love you, Park Jaehyung. It’s always been you.”

Call him a coward for saying it when he knew it wouldn’t be heard. But the fact that he said it out loud somehow eased the pain in his chest, telling himself that it was more than enough for now.

He gazed at Jae’s face some more before laying back down to stare at the ceiling. His eyes felt heavy from crying and within minutes, he fell asleep to the sound of Jae’s voice playing on loop in his head.

_It’ll be you and me against the world, okay?_

  
  


***

Five days had passed since that fateful night in Brian’s dorm. Five days since the last time he saw Jae. Five full days of Brian being completely anxious and not knowing what to do. 

After his initial delight the morning after, reality quickly dawned on him. How dare he feel hopeful and excited now that Jae’s single again? How selfish of a person can he get for feeling relief over his friend’s misery? 

There had been plenty of times in the past that Jae had been single and yet Brian chose not to pursue him like the coward that he is. But after that night, something shifted. Things were suddenly different. Because unlike all those other nights in the past, Brian didn’t give his best friend a mind-blowing orgasm just by sucking his dick. 

He still didn’t know what exactly pushed him over the edge to just fucking do it but he was glad that he did. And the fact that Jae just let Brian do all of that _to_ him and _for_ him? That had got to mean something, right?

He could clearly remember the sound of Jae begging for him, his firm grip on the back of his head, and the look on his face as he came. He hadn’t imagined any of that.

_He wanted it too, right?_

That was why Brian felt assured that he could hold off on confessing for a bit because that night had already opened a lot of doors for him. He decided to give him time to get over his latest breakup first. He wanted to do this right.

But that was five days ago. 

Now, he was just an anxious mess. After a few days of not seeing and hearing from Jae, his optimism had run out, uncertainty took its place. His anxiety slowly ate away his resolve. He was suddenly afraid of how Jae would react. 

_Would he be weirded out by me? Are we going to be awkward now after this?_

He imagined what it would be like if they saw each other again after that night. And the way he easily pictured Jae looking at him with disdain in his eyes, he figured he couldn’t handle seeing it in person. So, like a true coward, he actively avoided seeing his best friend for a few days.

But when he got a text from Jae just right after the end of his last class for the week, he knew then that he couldn’t keep avoiding him. Especially not when he kept saying things like this:

**🐣:**  
_haven’t seen u in days, u okay?_

The familiar sight of the emoji almost gave Brian a heart attack. When he first set Jae’s contact name as a chick (using the baby version because it’s less dignified that way), it was mostly to spite Jae because the older set Brian’s contact on his own phone to a nickname he didn’t like—but had soon grown to love. And now, as he stared at that ridiculously cute emoji in place of Jae’s name, it felt... _intimate_ somehow. Something special and sweet. A thing that belonged only to them, neither making any sort of attempt to change it back. 

Or who knows, maybe Brian was just too in over his head.

**bribri kitty:**  
_Aren’t you supposed to be working right now?_

**🐣:**  
_escaped in the breakroom, don’t tell sungjin_  
_just wanted to check in with you_  
_still drowning in schoolwork? i can help, bri_

Brian stopped in the middle of the hallway, a relieved smile lighting up his entire face as he leaned against the wall.

**bribri kitty:**  
_I’m fine, promise. Sorry I’ve been too busy this week_

_Liar_. He told himself.

 **🐣:**  
_when can we hang out again?_  
_come on, i miss my best friend_

He typed his response with fingers slightly shaking from elation and excitement. And because he couldn’t help it, not with the sweet way Jae checked up on him and offered to help without expecting anything in return, it was as if Brian’s fingers had a mind of their own, making the decision for him.

**bribri kitty:**  
_your shift still ends at 7?_

**🐣:**  
_you know it, bri_

**bribri kitty:**  
_on my way_

As Brian rushed to the small café right beside the administration building, the smile did not leave his face. 

He was more than reassured by Jae’s messages. They were absolutely fine. They’re Jae and Brian after all. The best of friends like always.

Ever since they started college nearly a year ago and Jae started working shifts at the café, this had been their after school routine. Brian would claim a table, sipping on a cup of iced coffee, as he waited for Jae’s shift to be over. But they wouldn’t leave just yet. They’d sit together, sometimes studying in silence and other times, chatting and laughing loudly as they caught up and complained about their classes to each other.

As the tiny bell rang when Brian entered, signalling the staff of a new customer, he caught Jae’s eyes smiling at him from behind the counter. He couldn’t help breathing a sigh of relief once more, feeling a little silly for worrying and thinking they’d be awkward. He shouldn’t have doubted their friendship. Now he just wasted those five days avoiding his best friend for nothing.

Because he was a regular customer—had already formed a bond with the other barista who always worked the same shift as Jae’s—he didn’t have to place his order at the counter and he’d often just pay later on his way out. Just after a simple nod thrown Sungjin’s way, the barista started preparing his usual order as Brian walked straight to the corner booth by the glass windows, claiming their usual table.

And just like that, he’d fallen right back into the familiarity of their routine. After Jae’s shift was over, he placed the other chair on his side, sitting right beside Brian. He had an excited look on his face as he fished his laptop from his backpack. He placed it with a slight flourish on top of the table, announcing that he’s finished editing his latest film project and needed Brian to watch and analyze it.

“Yours is the only opinion that matters to me.” He’d told him before pressing play, leaving Brian almost dumb-founded and playing catch-up with how fast his heart started beating.

To distract Jae’s attention away from his warm face, Brian jokingly retorted, “And yet you still won’t let me see your photography portfolio.”

“Shush, it’s starting.” Jae effectively deflected.

After watching, the younger had tried to warn him that as someone who majors in music production, his views and opinions regarding things like this only goes a certain way. He wouldn’t be able to provide extensive suggestions with his limited knowledge about Jae’s course in general—multimedia arts.

Jae merely ignored his words, the eager and open expression on his face staring back at Brian as he waited for his feedback.

As he showered the short film with praises and gave a few minor comments about a scene being cut too short, Jae held on to his words with undivided attention. He wrote down all of the things Brian had pointed out on his phone. The younger was more than honored by how much Jae valued and trusted his opinion.

They continued talking for another hour in the café, laughing as Jae recounted the story of Sungjin accidentally playing his trot playlist in the speakers instead of the usual one that mostly contains mainstream songs the other day.

Brian couldn’t help noticing that Jae didn’t mention anything at all about _that_ night. He would’ve felt disappointed, except that he also expected Jae to be weirded out by what they did until earlier in the afternoon and yet here they were, sitting a bit too close and laughing to their hearts’ content like always. So really, he couldn’t complain. 

He also noticed that Jae kept looking at his phone most of the time, waiting for a text, or a call, hoping for an apology that never came. And him looking crestfallen afterwards. 

This solidified Brian’s decision to give Jae enough time to get over what Hyerim did. He’d never been cheated on before but he could only imagine how much hurt Jae must’ve felt. And so that was what he did. 

He’d been waiting for the perfect opportunity to confess for more than three years now. What’s a few more weeks, right?

And while he waited, he did everything he could think of to help his friend. 

On the weekends that followed, he would “bother” Jae during his morning shift at the campus library. But really, he just wanted to keep him company while he shelved books for hours, oftentimes helping Jae with them himself. 

On his off days, Brian took him to amusement parks, shopping malls, and any other places he knew Jae would like after they were done with classes for the day. Those days were probably the most Jae had laughed and enjoyed himself in the past few months. 

And because he really is a good friend, at the end of the third week since that night, Brian pretty much dragged Jae into the nearest store that sells quality filming equipment. 

“Is this the one you’re saving up for?” Brian asked, pointing to a Leica M6 TTL displayed on a glass case. 

Jae sighed wistfully, stepping to get a closer look. “Yeah.” He’d been saving for this since sophomore year in high school when he found his interest in film and photography. Songwriting is his other passion but he kind of took a break from it for a while.

“Then what are you waiting for?” Brian prompted. “Buy it already.”

Jae looked back at him with a slight frown, confused. “It’s 1.6 million won, Bri. I’m still short of five hundred thousand.”

Brian’s face adopted a satisfied look as he told him, “Don’t worry about it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ll pay for the rest.”

Jae stared at him for a while, disbelieving. “Bri… that’s— _no_ , I can’t accept it. That’s too much.”

Clicking his tongue, Brian flagged down a store clerk to assist them. “I just got paid by that company I made a commercial jingle for. So really, I’m not breaking the bank by helping you.”

Jae still looked like he wanted to argue when the employee came, asking what he can help them with. Brian was quick to ask him if they could inspect the camera because they were planning on buying it.

As the guy crouched down to unlock the glass case, Brian addressed the lingering look of worry on Jae’s face. “Let me do this for you, Jae. I hated how tired you looked even on the weekends after working two part-time jobs. You said you’d quit working at the library after you finally bought this so I just wanted to hurry it along.”

Jae’s eyes shone with gratitude. One of his hands wrapped around Brian’s wrist, tightening his hold as he spoke from the heart, “Thank you, Brian. Seriously. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

Warmth spread all over Brian’s chest because of the intensity behind Jae’s gaze. To try to diffuse the sudden tension that settled between them, he decided to play it off, “It’s for me too. This means you have more time to help write my philosophy papers.”

Brian held his breath. It was the closest they got to talking about that night and the morning that came after it. Or at least, the remnants of it.

Jae’s eyes flit between Brian’s, searching. For what, Brian didn’t know. And he was about to ask when they got interrupted again by the store clerk introducing them to the product.

Brian sighed, choosing to focus their attention back to the matter at hand. If Jae never brought it up, then why should he? He probably only succeeded in making his friend feel uncomfortable anyway.

They left the store a few minutes later, walking closely and with Jae’s steps having a little bounce on them, light and happy. In his hands, the camera looked small and delicate. Brian couldn’t help the smile on his face as he watched Jae take pictures of the streets, crouching down to the dirty ground to capture the leaves of a small plant seeping through the cracks in the pavement, and the silhouette of a mother carrying her baby protectively in her arms. 

Every time, Jae bounded over to him to show the shots he took. He had half a mind to wish that Jae would finally show him his portfolio soon. Judging by these shots alone, he was really good. But he quickly got distracted from the thought when he saw Jae focusing the lens on him.

He tried to cover his face out of shyness, but at the last second, he stopped and let himself get photographed. The older’s attention was finally on him again, he better treasure it while he can. 

_Please keep looking at me._ Brian could see Jae smiling as he looked back at him through the viewfinder. _When will you start seeing me the way I see you?_

“What’s wrong?” Jae asked, a bit concerned. “Where did that frown come from?”

Brian couldn’t help it. Sometimes, it was easier to put on a smile because of Jae’s thoughtfulness. 

“I’m hungry.” He reasoned instead.

Jae chuckled at him, the sound of it so fond and endearing that made Brian’s heart clench painfully in his chest. 

Wrapping slender fingers around his wrist, Jae started pulling him along. “Come on, I see a Burger King down the street.” He threw Brian a smile over his shoulder as he added, “You can order whatever you want, my treat.”

As Brian hoped for, Jae had quit working for the library the following day. Because his weekends were now free, they mostly spent those two days hanging out in Jae’s dorm room. Sometimes Sungjin came by, as he lived in the same building as Jae’s, but mostly it was just the two of them, studying and bickering.

Brian’s confidence started building itself back up again the more time he spent with his best friend. With every laugh that escaped Jae’s lips because of something he said or did, every touch of those soft fingertips on his arm, his shoulder, and sometimes his neck that lasted a second longer, and every picture Jae took of him when he thought Brian wasn’t looking, he was back to thinking of ways on how he can confess. Wondering and hoping that it was only a matter of days that he could finally do it. Just waiting for the perfect opportunity to present itself.

Apparently, the universe hadn’t kept him waiting for long as the following weekend, exactly five weeks after that fateful night, Jae sent him a text that made his heart skip a beat.

**🐣:**  
_bri, are you free right now?_  
_can you meet me at the café in fifteen minutes?_  
_i have something important i need to tell you._

It was almost embarrassing how quickly Brian rushed to get ready. After he took the fastest shower of his life, he spent a good five minutes choosing what to wear. After he checked his reflection on the mirror by the door, satisfied that he looked, dressed, and smelled better than usual (spraying a good amount of his expensive perfume on himself, one that he only used on special occasions), he finally went out the door. When he saw that he had less than five minutes, he sprinted all the way to the campus café.

When he got there, he heaved a sigh of relief upon seeing that he arrived before Jae. He walked directly to the counter for the first time in months, giving Sungjin two orders: his usual and Jae’s favorite drink.

“You going on a date or something?” Sungjin asked, eyeing him from head to toe as he rang his order into the register.

A blush crept up Brian’s neck. “No, um, I’m just meeting Jae.”

“A date it is, then.” Sungjin replied, his eyes held a knowing look as he handed him the receipt.

Brian wanted to ask more, further analyze what Sungjin meant except that the next person in line not-so-subtly cleared their throat at him. Bidding a quick thanks to his friend, he went to wait for his order.

Afterwards, almost like muscle memory, his legs took him towards their usual place by the windows. However, he saw that it was already occupied by a couple having a date. He took a look around, as if affronted that someone dared take their seat when everyone usually had their own preferred places to sit on during the late afternoon. 

Seeing as it was the weekend, it seemed that the other regular customers of the cafe were nowhere to be seen. Or maybe these new people were regulars just like him, just that they were always there on the weekends whereas him and Jae were mostly part of the weekday crowd.

Sighing, he just chose a vacant table closest to him, perturbed. He couldn’t help glancing back at their usual booth, feeling a bit weird to see someone else sitting there. 

_But that’s our place._ He thought to himself, sounding like a child throwing a tantrum over something unreasonable.

As a way to distract himself, he pulled his phone from his pockets to shoot Jae a message.

**bribri kitty:**  
_I’m here._

He wanted to add that he couldn’t wait for whatever Jae wanted to tell him but decided against it, afraid he’d sound too eager. Instead, he just settled on something safe.

**bribri kitty:**  
_Hurry, your drink’s getting cold!_

And just when he looked up from his phone after sending the text, the sight of people entering the café quickly pulled his attention. As expected, one of them was his best friend. A smile automatically found its way on Brian’s face as he wiped his palms on his jeans. Excited about the fact that this was the day he would finally confess.

He saw Jae briefly glance at their usual table as well, a tiny frown on his face. With a slight chuckle, feeling justified by Jae’s reaction, Brian raised an arm to call his attention. 

A smile lit up Jae’s features before walking over to him. From his seat, Brian’s eyes slowly worked down his friend’s frame. He always looked good, but damn. Watching Jae approach him with shining eyes was doing something to his poor heart. His collarbones were peeking out from his shirt once again. His eyes followed a line down the length of his arms, deceptive with how slim they looked (Brian knows how athletic and strong his friend really is), and his body froze when his gaze landed on one of Jae’s hands. 

It was as if his world stopped spinning as he noticed the other guy walking alarmingly closely behind Jae. But that wasn’t the cause of his reaction.

No. It was the sight of Jae holding someone else’s hand that pierced Brian’s heart.

Jae and the guy had reached Brian’s table all too soon, not giving him enough time to make sense of everything that was happening. 

“Hey Bri,” Jae greeted him, a look of excitement on his face. “So, I want you to meet Mark.”

Brian was trying really hard to look away from their intertwined hands. He was already appearing rude enough as it was, not bothering to stand up in greeting as the other two stood in front of him.

Jae cleared his throat, the bright smile on his face diminishing a little due to the lack of reaction from his best friend. He turned to Mark, continuing the introduction in an attempt to quell the sudden awkwardness in the air. “And Mark, this is my best friend Brian.”

 _What is he to you, Jae?_ He wanted to ask out loud. Oh god, he really wanted to.

The sudden pleasant tone in the other guy’s voice pulled Brian’s attention. “Oh, so you’re the famous Brian?”

He couldn’t help but frown. “Yeah, what about it?”

He could practically feel Jae throwing a questioning glance at him due to his slightly aggressive tone. Brian chose to ignore it as he waited for the answer.

Fortunately, the guy—Brian refused to call him by his name—wasn’t offended by him at all. “Jae told me a lot about you. Don’t worry, man, it’s all good things, I promise.” He reached a hand out to give Brian’s shoulder a friendly pat.

The gesture somehow slapped some sense into Brian. Remembering his manners, he offered the other chairs for Jae and the guy to sit on. To his relief, the two finally let go of each other’s hands as they sat on either side of him.

Wordlessly, Brian pushed the drink towards Jae’s direction, not daring to look him in the eye just yet, afraid that he might start screaming. Or worse, beg for Jae to tell him that this was all a joke. 

His chest suddenly felt chillingly hollow. He couldn’t let himself break down right in front of Jae.

Facing the new guy that intruded on his and Jae’s supposed date (yes, Sungjin was right. Brian had hoped for this to become one), Brian asked him, a tad nicer this time, “So Mark,” he tried not to show that the name left a bitter taste in his mouth, “how did you two meet?”

 _Great. Now I sound like Jae’s dad or something._

The other guy excitedly told Brian the story of when Jae barged into his dorm room after hearing him play League of Legends from the hallway almost a week ago. Apparently, Jae was delighted to find someone else playing the same game as he was for the first time in their building so he immediately asked if they could play together. 

“And so that started this whole thing.” Mark finished with a smile, shrugging casually.

“Are you two together now?”

_Way to be subtle, Kang._

Jae sighed. “Bri, don’t...”

The other guy self-consciously scratched his nape as he said, “Um, no. We’re just trying this thing out yet, whatever this is.” _‘This thing’? Why does he keep calling it that?_ It rubbed Brian the wrong way. “I’m still kind of not over my ex, really. I promise Jae knows all about this, I’ve been honest with him from the get-go. But, I also can’t deny that I’m attracted to him. So, yeah.”

This time, he finally faced Jae. “Are you fucking serious?”

Jae was slightly taken aback by his tone. “Brian—”

“ _This_ is what you wanted to tell me?” 

“Well, yeah…” His friend frowned at him in confusion. Across the table, he reached for the other guy’s hand again. “What— I mean, were you expecting something?”

_You have no idea._

“You know what, forget it.” He made a move to leave. He couldn’t stand to see all of this anymore; their hands intertwined in front of him with Jae’s thumb absentmindedly rubbing the guy’s palm. It was the very same hand that held the side of his face, wiping away his own spunk with a gentle touch, almost as if he was the most precious thing Jae has ever held. Did he just imagine all of that? “I’m leaving.”

A hand on his arm stopped him. “No.” Jae told him. The hurt he saw in his friend’s eyes almost made him take it all back and apologize. “ _We’re_ leaving. You clearly need to cool your head or something. Talk to me when you’re no longer being an ass.”

Jae pulled Mark to his feet and in a matter of seconds, they left the café. Brian stared at them, his eyes glued to their hands, wondering where it all went wrong. 

With a heavy sigh, he rested his head against the table. Even the sight of Jae’s drink, untouched, made his heart clench almost painfully inside his chest. 

He didn’t know how long he stayed in that position when he suddenly felt that he wasn’t alone. He couldn’t even begin to describe the way he hated himself with how much hope surged through him, hoping that Jae returned to him.

But alas, it was only Sungjin placing a new steaming mug of coffee on the table.

Brian frowned. “I didn’t order this.”

“It’s on the house. I have a feeling you need it.” Sungjin said, giving him a sympathetic look that let Brian know he saw the whole thing.

“Thanks, man.” There was no point in denying it anyway. He wasted no time taking a few gulps of the coffee, wishing that it was alcohol instead. He didn’t even care that it burned on the way down. 

“I’m sorry, Brian.” Sungjin told him, patting him on the back.

“It’s fine.” Brian plastered on a fake smile. “It’s not your fault.”

And he didn’t think it was Jae’s either. If anything, the only person he blamed for all of this was himself.

It was his fault for being a delusional lovesick idiot. 

He repeated everything that happened that night in his head. Jae seeking his warmth as he slept, the sounds that escaped his lips begging for Brian, and those hands that played with his hair as he asked if he could stay over.

The same hands that held someone else’s right in front of him.

Later that night, the reluctant knocks that sounded on his door followed by Jae’s voice asking him to open up pretty much broke Brian. His friend’s voice was emotionless. Cold, even. A far cry from the way he always used to talk to him. 

He wanted to ignore him until he walked away but as it turned out, Brian didn’t have the strength to deny him of anything.

“I just came to return something.” Jae said as a greeting, pointedly not meeting his eyes. 

“What is it?”

“Here.” He held in his hand one of Brian’s shirts. 

The younger’s grip on the doorknob tightened, holding on for support, when he realized it was the same shirt Jae borrowed after sleeping with him that night.

When he made no move to take it back, Jae grabbed his hand to place it on his grasp. Brian wasn’t sure if his heart could take any more beating.

“What the hell were you thinking?” He found himself asking. “He’s emotionally unavailable, Jae.”

“Brian,” Jae sighed, tired and defeated, “it’s just a fling at best. It probably wouldn’t even last but we like each other enough to give it a try. Why does it bother you so much?”

Instead of answering his question— _w_ _hat’s the point, anyway_ —Brian let his hand fall back to his side. “Do whatever you want. Just don’t come looking for me when it’s all over.”

An unreadable look passed by Jae’s face so quickly that Brian wasn’t sure if he just imagined it or not. His friend finally met his gaze and Brian almost cowered away from the intensity behind it. 

“I hoped you of all people would support me no matter what, Brian.” With that, Jae finally turned away from him, leaving Brian to stare longingly at his retreating form, wishing he could take it all back. 

He quickly retired to bed after that. He didn’t have it in him to finish the song that he was composing for a class. After shoving the shirt back to his closet and putting it at the very bottom so he wouldn’t see it again, he grabbed Jae’s own shirt and put it on. He was pathetically relieved that Jae forgot to ask for it back because it was what he often wore to bed most nights.

As he laid there staring at the ceiling, he wallowed in his own misery. 

Support their relationship? Jae was asking too much of him. How could he do that when just this afternoon, he was so sure that his best friend felt the same way. And now, he was willing to put himself out there for someone who’s not even sure how he feels about him?

_How the hell do I compete with that?_

  
  


As it turned out, a month had passed and Brian still didn’t talk to Jae. He stopped going to the café after his classes to see him, stopped texting him, and even avoided going to places he knew Jae frequented on campus.

Yes, he was still upset about the whole thing. He hated the way he acted, hated seeing the hurt that flashed before Jae’s eyes, and hated how much he pitied himself. 

But even so, he held on to the thought that this relationship probably wouldn’t last as well, holding on to Jae’s words from all those years ago. For once, he actually hoped that Jae meant it all.

So during those few weeks that followed, as Mark inserted himself into Jae’s life and basically became the reason behind their first real fight in years, Brian told himself to accept it all, convincing himself over and over that _this won’t last_ like a fucking mantra. 

At night, whenever he would miss his best friend, he would just replay everything that happened all those weeks ago.

These thoughts plagued his mind and kept him distracted even as he walked out of their classroom, having been done for the day. He was too busy checking his phone, pointlessly waiting for a text or a call that he knew wouldn’t come, that he accidentally bumped into someone in the hallway.

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking.” He told them, bending down to pick up the books that fell to the floor.

“Hey, it’s fine. I wasn’t looking either.” The girl gave Brian a grateful smile as the latter handed back her things.

Brian recognized her as one of their university’s varsity volleyball players, Kim Mirae. “Oh, hey, um, congrats on the win the other day. I heard you were great.” He inwardly cringed at the lack of enthusiasm in his voice. He didn’t know what else to say, not wanting to appear rude by just turning his back right away.

“Thanks, man!” Mirae seemed genuinely appreciative. “But really, it was a team effort.” Brian jumped a little when she suddenly leaned closer to him. “Between you and I though, I think we won because I had my lucky charm with me during the game.”

Brian merely hummed in response. He was about to bid the athlete goodbye—because really, _what else was I supposed to say to that?_ —when they both heard a voice coming from the end of the hallway. 

“Baby, wait up!”

A bright and almost dopey smile immediately took over Mirae’s face as another guy approached her, giving her forehead a chaste kiss.

Brian figured it was his cue to leave when he saw who her boyfriend was.

“Mark?”

He seemed surprised to see him too. “Oh. Hey, Brian. It’s, uh, nice to see you again.”

“You two know each other, babe?” Mirae asked Mark as he took the books from her arms.

“We—”

“—not really.” Brian was quick to cut him off. “Anyways, um, I gotta go so if you’ll excuse me...”

Mark pursed his lips due to Brian’s dismissive tone. But nonetheless, he took the cue and steered Mirae towards the main doors of the building. 

In hindsight, Brian knew he was being unfair with the way he treated Mark both times he’d seen him. For all he knew, he must’ve been a nice guy. But at the moment, Brian did not care about any of that as his mind worried about Jae immediately. 

_Are they over? Was Mirae the ex that Mark was talking about? The one he couldn’t move on from?_

Almost subconsciously, he started walking towards the direction of the café, wanting to check on his best friend right away. It didn’t cross his mind that they were currently not talking. The only thought he had was that he needed to be there for him.

_He needs me right now._

When he got to the café, a bit breathless from running, his heart sank to his stomach when he saw a different employee standing behind the counter with Sungjin. 

Sungjin met him halfway in the middle of the café, cutting straight to what he knew the reason why Brian came. “He didn’t go to work today.”

“Do you know why?” Brian asked with a worried frown.

“Well, Mark got back together with his ex this morning. And he only remembered to tell Jae about it when they were supposed to meet up for lunch. Bastard only did it through text.” Sungjin informed him. His irritation towards Mark and concern for Jae were clearly evident on his face.

“Fucking asshole.” He said through gritted teeth. “I should’ve known…”

  
  


The next place he went to was Jae’s dorm. However, it seemed that the room was empty and had no sign of Jae ever being inside for a while as he used his spare key just to check.

So then he ended up back to his own room, staring at his phone for what felt like hours. He lost count of how many times he typed something and then deleted it almost immediately. He didn’t know what to tell Jae. They both knew that Brian was against Mark from the start. Would Jae even pick up if he saw it was him calling?

Eventually, he kept it short and simple, leaving Jae the decision to respond or not. 

**bribri kitty:**  
_Are you okay?_

He was about to lock his phone so that he wouldn’t keep staring at it for the next two hours when he saw that his message had been read and followed by those grey ellipsis, indicating that Jae began typing something.

Brian waited with bated breath. He could tell that Jae was trying to think of what to respond to him either. The more those three dots appeared and disappeared on his screen almost tauntingly, the more his heart ached.

_Since when did we not know what to say to each other?_

In the end, Jae’s text finally came.

**🐣:**  
_it’s fine_  
_i’m used to it_  
_:)_

Brian knew how empty those words were. And because he was a lovesick masochist with no semblance of self-preservation, he didn’t even hesitate sending in his next message.

 **bribri kitty:  
** _Wanna come over?_

  
  


About two hours later, they ended up on Brian’s bed, sitting awkwardly together. After having their dinner delivered and finishing it almost at a snail’s pace, they tried to fill the silence with small talk and did a bit of catching up.

Brian had a lot he wanted to say but for some reason, now that they were sitting this close on his bed again, almost reminiscent of that night, he didn’t have the courage to voice them all out.

And Jae seemed as if he was in a similar position. His fingers kept fidgeting and his teeth kept worrying his lower lip. Which was absolutely not helping at all with Brian’s condition. At one point, Jae caught him staring at his lips for a second longer than what was deemed appropriate. But instead of teasing him and giving him hell about it, the older merely flashed him a timid smile before looking away again.

God, Brian hated this. He hated not being able to talk freely with his best friend like this.

He was in the middle of hyping himself up to try to take the proverbial first step in apologizing when he suddenly heard Jae clearing his throat.

“Bri, about that night…”

Brian’s entire being stilled. It was the first time Jae brought it up, the first time he even came close to mentioning it and acknowledging that it really happened. To say that Brian was suddenly riddled with anxiety because of it was such a huge understatement.

Oblivious to the younger’s inner turmoil, Jae continued, “I just, I want you to know that I’m sorry.”

Fear took hold of Brian’s insides because of those words. He was afraid that Jae would continue to say that he regretted it happened in the first place. Not when the thought of that night was the only thing he had during the past month that he was missing Jae. Having nothing but a bottle of lube and his hand to keep him company on the loneliest nights.

And so he cut off whatever Jae wanted to say next, saying instead what he thought Jae needed to hear. “It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. It’s just sex, right? You were getting over a relationship and I was drowning in schoolwork. Like I said, I needed it too.”

“Oh. Um…” Jae gave him an imploring look. His eyes searched Brian’s face as he asked, “Do you… need it now as well?” He immediately shook his head the moment the words left his mouth. “Forget I said anything. Fuck, what was I thinking—”

“I mean, only if you want to.” Brian cut him off once again. _God, please say yes._

Jae stared at him for a long time. Or at least, it felt too long for Brian because his entire body already seemed too keen about the idea. He suddenly felt the room grow warm and, have they been sitting this closely the entire time? 

Almost as if he was afraid he’d scare him, or worse, have Jae push him away, Brian leaned slowly towards him until their lips were merely an inch apart.

“You can say no.” He whispered to him.

Jae’s lips parted slightly as he felt Brian’s breath against him. Brian saw that his eyes flitted down to his lips before moving back up to his eyes. And in that last second, as if everything was suspended, the air heavy with tension and anticipation, Jae finally closed that tiny bit of distance between their lips. It was as if everything fell back into their rightful place; they kissed like it was merely muscle memory at that point. They let their instincts take over as they tasted each other again. 

Brian felt weak as he was hit with how much he missed this. His heart soared. In an instant, his hand crept up to cup Jae’s nape, pulling him closer. Jae almost melted under his touch. In return, he grabbed Brian’s jaw, directing him so that he could taste him deeper. Brian dug his teeth on Jae’s lower lip, sucking and nipping before he let Jae’s tongue slip in his mouth.

Soft sighs and the sound of wet lips echoed in the room. Brian maneuvered them so that he was lying on top of Jae, not once breaking the kiss. He slipped a leg between Jae’s thighs, grinding down until they were both hard. When they got too breathless, Jae pulled away only to leave a hot trail of kisses down the younger’s jaw. 

Brian ran a hand down to slip underneath Jae’s shirt, pinching his nipples as he felt the older start to leave bruises on his neck. Jae let out a restrained moan when Brian’s hips gyrated against him, his own hard-on rubbing deliciously against his. _Fuck, Bri—_ He chased the friction as he grabbed Brian’s ass with both hands, keeping him close. 

Brian gasped as he felt Jae’s grip on him tighten, the tips of his fingers teasing the crevice of his ass. He keened as he began mouthing along the older’s collarbones, his hands busy running along Jae’s torso, desperate for more contact. 

Gently, Jae guided Brian’s mouth to place kisses on the sensitive spot right below his left ear instead. His hips involuntarily bucked when the younger started nipping and sucking him, staying there even after he knew that they’d bruise. Brian’s insides melted with the way Jae, without hesitation, just shared one of his weakest spots to him, letting him know these sensitive places that would automatically elicit a reaction from him. Brian took this discovery to heart so he kept lapping at the skin, savoring the sinful sounds that came out of Jae’s lips because of it.

After a while, as Jae ran and dug his nails across Brian’s back, the younger slightly pulled away. He demanded as he stared back at Jae with a hungry look in his eyes, “These off now—”

To add to his words, he not-so-gently tugged the hem of Jae’s shirt. The older quickly got the message as he followed Brian’s lead and took off his clothes. The younger was already down to his boxers and just as Jae was about to unbutton his own jeans, Brian’s hands stopped him.

“Can I?” He asked, a bit breathless. It was almost embarrassing how quickly Jae let him.

Brian shifted his position so that he could sit back on his hunches between Jae’s thighs.

With eager hands, he unbuttoned his pants and pulled it low enough to provide relief to his erection. Without warning, he palmed Jae’s tent over his boxers, earning him a moan from the other. He looked up at him with a smug smile as he bent down to place open-mouthed kisses on the head of his clothed cock. 

Jae’s hands reached out to him, gently grabbing him and running his fingers through the younger’s hair in an attempt to still his delicious ministrations. His brows were furrowed, eyes cloudy with arousal, and soft pleas slipped from his lips as he met Brian’s gaze. 

“Hurry up.” He groaned, slightly lifting his hips to urge Brian to take it off.

Brian gave out a chuckle so low, so guttural that almost had Jae squirming with need. With one last kiss, he finally pulled all of Jae’s clothes down his legs, leaving him completely naked before his eyes.

He was suddenly captivated by the beautiful sight laid out in front of him, just for him to marvel at. The elevated rise and fall of Jae’s chest, hands gripping the sheets, and the blown expression on his face. The gorgeous flush that spread through him, the bead of pre-cum on his slit as it laid against his smooth, pale stomach, waiting to be touched once again. 

A weird mixture of satisfaction and adoration flooded Brian’s heart because of it. They haven’t done much yet and already Jae was so responsive. His words were demanding but his touches remained sweet and gentle. Brian treasured every new information he came across, feeling honored and proud that he got to see Jae like this.

Jae reached out to him, fists clenching and unclenching as he made grabby hands at Brian. “Come back here.” He whimpered, impatient and desperate.

Brian quickly shimmied out of his boxers before going back to his position on top of Jae. He bent down to capture those sinful lips once more; the kiss was more intense than before, devouring each other to their heart’s content. Brian swallowed the moan right off Jae’s mouth as their erections slid together in the most delicious way possible. Jae’s fingers dug against Brian’s arms, his back arching towards the younger. 

In response, Brian snaked a hand between their bodies, wrapping his fingers around their cocks. He whined due to both the sensation and the way Jae bit down on his lower lip after a certain flick of his wrist, stimulating the head of Jae’s member.

“Good?” He asked against the older’s lips.

“Yes,” Jae breathed out, “don’t you fucking stop.”

He gave him another kiss, deep and wet. Labored breaths and soft pleas were all that could be heard as Brian continued stroking their dicks, finding a good rhythm. Jae’s hands travelled down until they gripped Brian’s ass, kneading and pulling him closer. 

Brian realized that he couldn’t wait any longer. He let go of their cocks, earning him a whine, and instead he broke the kiss to ask, “How do you want me?”

Jae took a second to realize what Brian was saying. With red cheeks and swollen lips, he answered, “Can I fuck you?”

Brian was more than fascinated by it. He couldn’t believe his ears. It was like one of his dreams was finally being fulfilled.

Doubt clouded Jae’s eyes as Brian took too long to respond. “O-or we could do the other way, I’m fine with both, I swear—”

Brian interrupted him with a kiss. “Shh… I can’t wait for you to be inside me. We can try the other way next time.”

A breathy gasp escaped Jae’s lips from the promise of there being a next time. “Do you have anything that we could—”

“There’s a lube on the lowest drawer by the desk.” Brian told him, sounding almost too eager.

Jae placed a chaste kiss on his cheek as he maneuvered to get out from under Brian. “I’ll go get it. I just need you to get in position for me.”

Fire ignited Brian’s insides as he quickly laid in bed with his ass in the air, waiting for Jae to return. His cock mourned the loss of contact but Brian didn’t dare touch himself again, entrusting that Jae will give him so much anyway.

As Jae walked back to the bed and saw the submissive and pliant state of Brian’s body, his cock started leaking pre-come almost immediately. And he would’ve loved to take Brian this way, but it seemed he had other things in mind.

“No, Bri, I want to see you.” 

The younger looked at him over his shoulder. “What?”

“I want you on your back.”

Brian’s cock twitched with Jae’s demanding tone. He wasted no time following his words, even spreading his legs wide as an invitation. Satisfied, Jae took his place between those glorious thighs as he poured an appropriate amount of lube in one hand. 

“Tell me to stop if it gets too much.”

“With all due respect, Park Jaehyung, I wouldn’t want to stop.” Brian’s heart was beating almost uncontrollably at this point, his eyes glued to Jae’s slick, slender fingers. He’d always found Jae’s hands to be incredibly sexy. And now, they were basically seconds away from entering him.

And with that, Jae slowly breached his hole. The muscle puckered as he pushed a finger in, feeling the heat of Brian’s walls envelop him. 

" _O_ _h god,_ Jae—” Brian whimpered when he felt Jae’s knuckles come flushed with his ass, having his finger all the way in.

A tiny smirk found its way on Jae’s lips as he started pulling his finger out, excruciatingly slow, only to push it back in with the tiniest bit of force. Brian had to bite down on his lower lip to muffle the sound that came because of it, so loud and desperate. 

Jae continued his ministrations, adding in another digit and scissoring them to further loosen the younger. At one point, Brian started thrusting towards his fingers so Jae had to grab his hip with his free hand to keep him still. It was when Jae crooked his fingers—three now—inside him, nudging the tender flesh that Brian felt white, blinding pleasure shoot through him. 

“There, right there— _oh fuck_ " He moaned as Jae hit the spot again and again, leaving him panting and aching for more. He didn’t even realize that he’d already started leaking as well.

When he felt the familiar tug of pleasure building low in his gut, he reached down to still Jae’s hand. He didn’t want to come right away. Not without Jae’s dick buried deep inside of him.

“I-I want you now,” he told him, pathetically close to begging, “Jae, _please…_ ”

“I got you, Bribri.” His voice was soothing as he bent down to give his mouth a quick kiss before pulling his hand back. Brian’s hole suddenly felt empty as the muscle clenched the air.

He applied more lube onto his cock, positioning himself before crawling on top of Brian. His arms rested on either side of the younger’s head as his cock nudged his entrance. They stared at each other, drowning in the depths of the other’s eyes. No more words were exchanged between them as Jae dived in to capture his lips before he slowly but surely slid into him.

Brian sighed against his lips, relishing the stretch and feeling of Jae’s cock pulsing inside his walls. The kiss quickly turned messy, hot, and desperate as Jae started thrusting in and out of him, steadily building their rhythm. Jae grabbed his hips to anchor himself, his nails leaving crescent-shaped marks on his skin. He began mouthing along Brian’s neck, leaving more bruises wherever he pleased. In return, Brian wrapped his legs around Jae, digging his heels against Jae’s ass to ask him to go deeper. 

The slick sound of skin slapping against skin bounced off the walls along with hurried gasps, low whimpers and guttural moans after Jae found his prostate once again. Brian’s back arched off the bed as Jae’s cock kept hitting that same spot. He began meeting Jae’s thrusts, chasing the sensation of being filled.

“Oh god, _please_ Jae…” Brian whimpered, feeling the remnants of the orgasm he just pulled the reins on quickly returned to him. Jae worked him back to the edge of the cliff after minutes of relentless fucking. “Fuck, Jae— faster, please… I, I’m close…”

The older was not far behind as the rocking of his hips turned shallow, moving almost with abandon. Brian’s neglected cock pulsed against their stomachs, smearing them with slick before Jae finally wrapped a hand around him. 

A strangled moan escaped from Brian’s swollen lips. His hips bucked towards Jae’s hand and into his cock, the pleasure building and building until finally, he came with a weak sob. His cock throbbed, pulsed, and spilled onto Jae’s beautiful hand. Jae milked him through his orgasm, his continued stimulation prolonging the high.

Jae’s thrusts were frantic now as he neared his own release. He panted against Brian’s neck as he felt his walls tighten around his cock. Blindly grabbing one of Brian’s hands, he interlaced their fingers together as he chased his orgasm, holding on for dear life. In a matter of seconds, he climaxed as well, filling Brian’s insides with his come. He tucked his head against the crook of Brian’s neck as wave after wave of pleasure ran through him.

Afterwards, he pulled out of him. The drag of his cock made Brian moan weakly, sensitive. He collapsed beside the younger on the bed. He had on a small blissful smile as he stared at the ceiling, satiated. The sound of their breathing was the only thing that could be heard for a moment, both of them basking in the beautiful afterglow.

After a few minutes, Brian’s voice pierced the silence, hoarse and raspy from their activity. “I didn’t know you bite when you come.”

Jae looked sideways at him with eyes widened a fraction. “I do?”

Brian chuckled lightly. “Yeah. Just now, see?” He pointed to the junction of his neck and shoulder blade where two larger crescent marks were slowly darkening. It looked unmistakably like the shape of a mouth.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, Bri.” Jae frowned in concern. He turned so that his body was fully facing Brian. “Does it hurt?”

“No, no, it’s fine!” The younger was quick to assure him. And it really didn’t hurt. He was too busy savoring the euphoria caused by the situation that it effectively took all of his attention. If anything, he was pleased that it was through fucking him that Jae found out about this habit of his and not anyone else. He couldn’t even begin to describe how happy that made him feel. “It’s cute, actually.”

Jae made a face at him but was quickly ruined by a big yawn before answering, “You know what’s not cute?”

“What?” Brian was amused to say the least.

“Spunk drying on the both of us.” He said. “Clean us up, Bribri.”

“Why me?”

“Because I’m tired and you’re the best friend ever?” He tried, sleepily throwing him a charming smile and hoping it’ll work.

Something tugged at Brian’s heartstrings. Was it the sweet way Jae appealed to him? Or was it how he was quickly reminded of where they stand? Either way, he found himself drawn to that smile again, already making a move to do what he asked. He knew he was powerless against Jae anyway. Have been for a few years now.

Jae gave out a little cheer as Brian stood up to grab a washcloth from the tiny bathroom.

 _Such a big baby._ He thought with a smile, his heart overflowing with fondness. 

He cleaned Jae off first, leaving a few caresses here and there. He felt the older lean towards his touch, further getting lulled into a comfortable slumber. Brian wanted nothing more than to imprint Jae’s peaceful face permanently in his mind. 

Once he’s done, he tossed Jae back his boxer shorts, getting himself covered as well. He rejoins the older on the bed, pulling the blankets over them. Almost immediately, Jae nestled his head against the younger’s chest, wrapping an arm around his waist. Brian’s heart skipped a beat as he could smell the faint scent of Jae’s shampoo. It took everything he had not to breathe him in. Jae already had his eyes closed and his breathing was back to normal as he settled for a good night sleep.

“Thanks, Bri.” He whispered a minute later, Brian’s insides fluttering as Jae’s breath warmed his skin.

In a moment of weakness, he couldn’t help but to place a chaste kiss on top of Jae’s head. “Good night, Jae. I’ll always be here for you no matter what.” He promised, meaning it with his entire being.

See? He was completely powerless against him.

  
  
  


The next morning, Brian was no longer surprised to wake up alone. It helped that he didn’t expect Jae to stay in the first place. He knew better than that now.

With a heavy sigh, he dragged himself out of bed to start the day. Another thing he didn’t expect to find though was another post-it note left for him to read. Heart in his throat, he peeled it off the desk. Knowing his best friend, Brian thought that Jae would just make an endearing joke about the night they had but when he read what it said, Jae was able to take him by surprise once more.

 _bri,  
_ _i missed you this past month. i hated not talking to you, let’s not fight again please?_

 _This._ It was when he kept saying things like this that makes Brian fall hopelessly in love with him all over again. And instead of letting himself drown in self-pity and self-loathing, he tried to look at their situation with a positive mindset. 

He might not have Jae’s heart, but at least in times like last night, Brian can pretend that having Jae’s body is enough.

 _He thinks that love doesn’t last anyway._ Brian recalled just to appease himself, remembering his best friend’s rule of not getting too attached in his relationships. And wondering if Jae will ever make an exception just for him.

But before he got too ahead of himself again, repeating the same mistake he did after that first night, he shot that thought down. 

Having hope is overrated anyway. All it ever gave him was pain and disappointment.


	3. won't walk away, won't roll my eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sad, sad, sad, sad / what can i do? / always bad, bad, bad, bad timing all the time

If you asked Jae what his most painful memory was, he would tell you the story of when his best friend tore his heart right out of his chest.

It had been about a week since Brian got back after visiting his grandparents in Canada for a whole month. This was one of the reasons why Jae never liked summer vacation; his best friend would always fly overseas and so he’d usually spend it alone. And this time around, it especially sucked because they were about to enter high school and yet he didn’t have Brian there to soothe his worries away. 

But now that Brian was home, Jae planned to spend every waking minute with him before school starts.

As he waited in his room for his best friend to come back after buying their “essential for movie marathon” snacks, his mind drifted off to the first year Brian left for Toronto. 

He was eight and Brian was seven. Jae’s family moved to Korea a little over a year before, taking residence at the corner lot right beside the Kangs. The two kids quickly got along well because apparently, since most of the Kangs’ relatives lived in Canada, Younghyun speaks good English—though he still went by that name back then. 

Little Jae was more than delighted by that discovery, immediately asking Little Younghyun if he wanted to play ball. Needless to say, they had been inseparable ever since.

That first trip to Toronto was the very first time they spent more than a day apart. And so, like the clingy and adorable friends that they are, they talked through their parents’ phones everyday. Jae always had absurd questions about the country at the ready (“Can you see the outer space closer from up there?” He once asked because, you know, Canada is way up north as his young and innocent brain deduced) and Younghyun answered everything with equal enthusiasm. (“No, I can’t.” He sounded a little sad about it over the phone. “But it’s cloudy lately so maybe that’s the reason!”)

Fortunately, Younghyun and his parents were away only for two weeks. And after Jae finally saw the airport cab pull up at the Kang’s driveway as he sat and waited on their porch steps, he was suddenly engulfed in a bone-crushing hug by his friend’s chubby arms, excitedly asking Jae right off the bat to start calling him “Brian” instead of Younghyun from then on.

“Now I have an English name as pretty as yours!” Younghyun—ah, Brian exclaimed, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Do you like it? Please tell me you do!”

As it turned out, Jae did in fact like it. He actually liked it so much that he couldn’t wait to get back to school to brag to their classmates that only him and Brian have more than one awesome name.

Jae let out a chuckle as he faintly recalled getting into a fight at the playground. One of their classmates from elementary school made Brian cry by repeatedly teasing him, saying he doesn’t look like a Brian.

He remembered how, as he sat outside the principal’s office while she talked with his parents, Brian sat and waited with him. Tears that had long dried left trails down his round cheeks. Wiping an arm over his nose, Brian sniffed as he asked if Jae was okay, eyeing the forming bruises on his arm with guilt and concern. (Fun fact, he got hurt more so from rolling around on the ground than the actual fight itself.)

Jae proudly puffed out his chest as he said, “I don’t even feel a thing!” He waved his hands around as he continued, “I’m like a superhero, you’re the poor victim that needs saving, and Seungwon is the villain who— _ow!_ ” He accidentally hit the wall with his bruised arm.

Brian started pouting again as his eyes welled up with new tears. “This is all my fault...”

Jae didn’t know what to do. All he knows is that he hated seeing Brian upset. 

Gingerly, he put an arm around Brian’s shoulders, biting his lip as he ignored the subtle pain. “You’re my best friend. No one makes my best friend cry.” Jae tried to tough it out again for Brian’s sake. “I’m okay, see?” He flexed his nonexistent muscles. “So please don’t cry, Bribri. You’ll look like a kitty again when your face scrunches up like that. Are you a cat, huh? Brian kitty?”

This pulled a tiny giggle from Brian’s lips. He gently bumped their shoulders together as he whined, “Jae-ya, stop calling me that.”

“I’m sorry what?” Jae pretended not to hear him. “Did you say something, Bribri kitty?”

Jae recalled the old memory with a smile. The way he was so assertive and basically forced all of their classmates to call Younghyun Brian. He did it so that it would make Brian happy now that they had matching pretty English names. There really was only one person who knew all of his silly stories. And it wasn’t even difficult to guess who.

He also noticed that during those times they were apart, he slowly came to terms with why it got harder by each passing year to send Brian off at the airport. 

Just last month, he literally started tearing up as they hugged goodbye. And Jae _does not_ cry easily. That was why Brian gave him hell about it for two weeks straight. 

As they video-chatted while playing video games for hours, competed daily on who could send the silliest selfies, and basically ruined their sleep schedules due to having different time zones between them, Jae had gone to realize just how deep his feelings for Brian actually were. These emotions slowly rose to the surface until finally, he couldn’t deny them anymore. 

The way his heart fluttered every time Brian leaned on him as he laughed, how quick it was for Brian to lift his mood up every single time just by throwing him a smile, and how easy it was for him to save Jae from the mercy of his own thoughts.

Jae would never admit it out loud, _but god, I’ve found my soulmate and it’s my best friend._

Inwardly, he knew the way it sounded. It was cheesy and probably too much for his young heart to handle but as he thought about it for longer, he figured he didn’t care. 

So what if that was what he felt? He _is_ in love with Brian. 

_He’s always been my rock._

As a fifteen-year-old, he was still getting accustomed to the full idea and extent of romantic love. Sure, he’d had crushes before but this one with Brian felt different. Deeper. It basically took refuge in every possible space in his heart and the only thing he ever kept thinking of was Brian, Brian, and only Brian. The more that his heart swelled at the thought of him, the happier and excited he got to experience this new thing with none other than his best friend, the person he treasures the most. He was so exhilarated by this wonderful feeling that his fingers itched to do something about it.

He picked up a pen and his journal full of lyrics to try to put his emotions into words. His heart was almost brimming with them. He checked the time again, deciding that he had at least a couple of minutes to squeeze in a few lines before Brian was supposed to be back.

He wrote about strong cheekbones and ever-present smiles hiding behind intense eyes. About how the world seemed brighter and more beautiful every time his best friend saw him, like he sees the real him. How willing he was to drop everything just to hear his voice, listen to him as he laughed. And that he’d spend the rest of his life thanking God that he was deemed worthy enough to get to know someone as precious as him.

He kept it simple and sweet, using subtle details and instead choosing to focus on describing these wonderful emotions.

In no time, he wrote almost half of the song, its melody that had long been playing in his head ever since he started seeing his best friend in a new light. Not long after, he heard footsteps down the hall followed by Brian’s voice greeting his parents. 

Jae couldn’t help but smile. Brian was always the type that you would hear first before actually seeing him enter the room.

With a soft sigh, he hid the notebook in one of his drawers, deciding that he’ll sing it to him as soon as it’s done.

Jae didn’t originally plan to confess so soon. In fact, the idea stayed in the back of his mind the entire time. He believed that him and Brian were meant to find their way towards each other eventually, so he knew that things between them would progress naturally. 

He was content with what they are now. 

After all, he was also the one Brian talked to first thing in the morning and the last one to hear his voice at night, the phone call staying on long after they both fell asleep. He was really fine with waiting. But that was until Brian told him about his new crush that threw all of that out the window.

It was during lunch on their first day of high school that Brian asked if Dowoon—the new kid—could sit with them at their table. And as the days went on, Jae should have noticed the way Brian secretly keened after he made Dowoon laugh. Or the way Brian would drag Jae sometimes to stay in the music room after school just to watch Dowoon play the drums. 

As he turned to look at Brian, seeing the open admiration in his eyes when he asked if Dowoon could teach him sometimes, he felt like his world had shattered right in front of him.

 _He never asked me to teach him how to play the guitar._

That same day, he decided that enough is enough. He really needed to tell Brian how he felt before it was too late.

Like always, they hung out at his room after they got home. Just the usual routine of doing homework, playing video games, and never running out of things to say. Jae was relieved to find that even though Dowoon had been a welcome addition to their previous duo the past few weeks in school, he still wanted to have a bit more alone time with Brian. 

Sat in front of his desk, Jae was more than thankful that they got to have peaceful moments like this.

However, as Brian laid in his bed, absentmindedly running a hand over his full tummy after eating Jae’s mom’s delectable meals, he finally voiced the one thing Jae had been afraid of since he saw Brian waiting by Dowoon’s locker just a week ago.

“Jae-ya, I need your help~” he started in the sweet way that he does, the one that he knew would always get Jae to do whatever he asked. (Jokes on him though, Jae would actually do everything he says even if Brian screamed it at him.) With a vulnerable voice that always made Jae weak, he continued, “I really like Dowoon but I don’t know how to tell him.”

Jae avoided facing him even after he heard the bed give out a small sound of protest as Brian sat up to look at him. Under the desk, he held the journal almost in a vice-like grip on his lap. He was too busy trying to calm his breathing and appear as if it didn’t bother him as much as it really did.

“Jae, come on.” Brian prompted when he didn’t get a response right away. “How should I say it? You’ve always been good with words. Help me. Pretty please?”

Jae could practically hear his heart breaking inside his chest. 

He figured that the universe is finally giving him the opportunity to let Brian know how he feels. No more waiting for it to happen naturally, whatever he meant with that. No more excuses. This time, he really will do it.

 _It’s now or never._

Taking a deep breath, he stood up from the chair to face Brian. “Bri, about that… I need you to hear this first. I-I have something for you.”

Brian tilted his head, curiosity written plainly on his face. The sight was so adorable that Jae felt himself gaining strength from it. He felt Brian’s gaze follow him as he went across the room to retrieve his guitar from the closet. 

“Alright, so, um,” he fidgeted for a bit, telling himself not to stall as he sat with Brian on the bed. “Here it goes…”

He poured his entire being into the song. He didn’t need to check the notebook, he already knew the lyrics by heart. He finally let go of his emotions, ones he’d kept bottled up for months. It felt freeing, like a huge burden had been lifted off his chest. He sang of love and longing, of heartbreak and pain, and of wonder and devotion, hoping that it was enough to reach Brian’s heart.

When the song ended, as the last note from the guitar echoed in the room, he was suddenly afraid to meet Brian’s eyes. He felt so vulnerable, so exposed. But it didn’t matter. It was all for Brian after all. 

“Jae...” his best friend’s voice called to him. And even though Jae’s heartbeat spiked and made nerves shoot up his entire body because of it, he would always look back at him.

They stared at each other for a while. Jae’s eyes held a question as he met Brian’s gaze, warm and bright. The sight of it sparked the tiny bit of hope budding in his chest.

“Bri, please say something.” He whispered, fighting a relieved smile off his face as he put the guitar down on the floor. 

_Brian looks so happy, ohmygod._

“Oh, Jae… I— That was beautiful…” Brian wrapped his arms around him, gathering him in a tight hug. “I love it _so_ much.”

Jae tightened his grip on the front of Brian’s shirt, burying his nose on the crook of his friend’s neck. “I’m glad you liked it. It was all for you after all.”

When they pulled away, Brian couldn’t stop smiling, seeming excited about something. “Can you send me a copy of that song?”

Jae chuckled, feeling giddy with Brian’s request. “Sure, Bri. You like it that much?”

“Of course!” Brian replied, reaching to pinch both of Jae’s cheeks, grateful and relieved. “Thank you, Jae. You’re the bestest friend ever! I want to learn the words right away so that I can sing it to Dowoon when I confess. You wrote this for me to sing to him, right?”

Jae’s heart stopped beating. 

His whole body froze on the spot after hearing Brian’s words. He couldn’t believe that this is happening.

“W-What?” He breathed out.

“That line about the world becoming brighter just because of a smile? It’s so relatable! That’s what I always think of whenever I see Dowoon. How are you so good at this, it’s so unfair.” Brian pouted, oblivious to his friend who was starting to freak out on the inside. “I can’t believe you wrote this for me to use. I knew I could always count on you.”

Jae felt his chest slowly closing up on him and the telltale signs of tears stinging his eyes. He could _not_ break down. Not now. And most definitely not in front of Brian.

“Jae? What’s wrong, are you okay?” Jae almost jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him.

 _Does it look like I’m okay?!_ He wanted to scream.

But he didn’t even have the strength to meet him in the eyes again. He felt so humiliated and broken.

_He thought all of that was for him to sing to Dowoon?_

“Bri, can you—” he cleared his throat, willing away his emotions that threatened to bubble up to the surface. “Can you leave? My head hurts and I just want to sleep this off.”

“Oh, yeah sure. But before I go, can I get you anything?” Brian still didn’t make a move to get up and instead leaned closer to Jae with a worried look on his face.

This was all too much for Jae to handle. “J-Just _please_ … leave me alone.”

_You’re the last person I want to see me fall apart._

Fortunately, Brian finally backed away. His eyes remained on Jae though as he picked up his things. “Call me if you need anything, okay? And don’t worry about recording that song, I can wait. Your health is more important.”

Jae’s heart pretty much shattered to a million pieces.

_How can you be so cruel and caring at the same time?_

Jae shut his eyes tightly in the hopes of stopping the tears to fall. _Just a little more. Just until you’re finally alone._ He waited until he heard the sound of his door clicking shut.

He was such an idiot. Should he have made it painfully obvious and written Brian’s name in the song just for him to get it?

But see that’s the thing. 

The fact that it never occured to Brian that Jae was singing it _to_ him and _about_ him made Jae feel like he wasn’t good enough for his best friend to start seeing him that way. That it was such an unthinkable thing for him.

Jae got the message loud and clear.

He looked down at his hands with a blurry vision. Yes, he doesn’t cry often but when he does, he doesn’t hesitate to let it all out. 

He saw that they were shaking slightly as he gripped the sheets. All too soon, a tear had dropped on it, staining his soft blue blanket with a dark spot. Then, one tear quickly became two, followed by a few more until he couldn’t hold it in any longer. Sob after sob were wrecked out of his chest as he cried over Brian. His shoulders shook from the force of it so he buried his face on the pillows, silencing himself.

Except that the cute chicken one that Brian gifted to him two years ago stared right back at him. With another cry, he threw it towards the floor. He didn’t even care that it hit his guitar with a loud bang.

And so for the rest of the night, he wallowed in self-pity and self-loathing. Not only because he lost his chance with Brian. But also because even after that, he was still going to let Brian use his words and feelings in order to pursue someone else. 

When he was sure that his parents were fast asleep, he carried his guitar down the stairs. Because if you ask any other teenager who secretly records themselves playing the guitar, they would tell you that the acoustics are amazing in the bathroom.

Playing and singing the song this time around felt incredibly different. If his heart was overflowing with love and affection earlier, right now it was the complete opposite. He felt bitter, resentful, and pathetic. He was aware that he could have made an excuse and tell Brian that he didn’t want to do it, but he knew that the idea was useless from the start. He never really had the strength to say no to him. Even now.

He really is an idiot.

Was he playing a little aggressively? Maybe. Brian was just going to have to deal with it.

He got so lost into the song that when it came to an end, he looked down to his guitar only to see tiny drops of blood on the strings. Apparently, he let himself drown under too much pain and anger that he didn’t realize he was hurting himself in the process.

_If only you knew the things I do for you, Brian._

After he got an excited call from Brian the following week telling him that he was finally dating Dowoon—his first boyfriend ever—Jae decided it was time to pick himself back up and try to get over him. 

Over the next few months, he actively got into flings. He especially chose the ones he knew wouldn’t last, never letting himself get too attached again. He didn’t care that he had probably experienced breakups more than the number of years he’d been alive. 

Because as Jae saw it, these people wouldn’t be able to hurt him as much as Brian hurt him anyway.

He figured the more heartbreak the better because if he could easily get over these people time and time again, then surely he was bound to get over loving Brian too. 

He deluded himself into believing that until finally just three months later, when the day came that Brian knocked on his door, crying while saying that he and Dowoon broke up, Jae didn’t feel anything at all.

  
  


***

  
  


The rest of the semester went by in a blur of deadlines and late nights. Just when Brian thought he had finished them all, more requirements kept getting handed to them in class. At this point, he didn’t know which would end first: the semester or him.

He sat down on a chair with a low groan of complaint, thinking about the song composition project in music history that he needed to cram to be able to submit it by midnight tonight. Thank god him and Jae decided to meet in the library to study. If it had only been him, he would surely procrastinate until the last possible minute.

“Why are you moaning, Bribri? Are you okay?” Jae quietly asked across the table with a tiny smirk. 

Brian met his eyes and almost immediately, heat spread all over his cheeks. To any other person listening in, Jae’s words sounded harmless. Concerned, even. But as he saw the mirth playing in Jae’s eyes, he knew without a doubt that what he meant was far from innocent.

Flustered, Brian hid his face behind his hands and heard the resulting laughter from Jae.

“Shut up.” He told him in an exasperated tone but couldn’t help releasing a chuckle as well. 

He jumped a little when he suddenly felt Jae grab both of his hands to pull them away from his face. Ignoring the instant change in his heartbeat, Brian watched as Jae turned his hands over to inspect the tips of his fingers.

“What is it?” He asked when Jae leaned forward to get a closer look.

“I thought I told you to trim your nails?” Jae met his eyes, giving him a meaningful yet amused look.

And just like that, Brian was reminded of Jae’s latest post-it note from almost a week ago. 

_cut your nails, bri. you left scratch marks all over my back._

He never told Jae but he actually collected all these notes he left behind. He figured those were the next best thing he had considering that Jae leaves his bed every morning-after. He told himself to start accepting it because at the end of the day, he was still the only person Jae would seek comfort from after every breakup. He didn’t want to make a big fuss about it because just like Jae, he also didn’t want them to have another fight.

And that was two flings ago. After Mark, Jae didn’t introduce any of them to Brian again. He would only share their names, and eventually, how their relationship ended. But other than that, Jae would never bring them up whenever he was with him. And Brian was actually happy with that. Well, “happy” was not the exact word he’d use but at least, on times that they’re alone together, he could easily pretend that those people didn’t exist. 

There was Joshua, the exchange student from the US. And Jihyo who was studying to be a doctor.

Neither relationship lasted more than a month. Joshua will fly back home to LA soon so they figured to cut ties while it was still early. Jihyo had her studies as top priority and that she told him she couldn’t play the role of someone’s lover and that they were fun while they lasted. A good distraction, she said. 

Brian was offended on Jae’s behalf after the older shared it to him as they laid in bed together after a good, long fuck. But Jae was quick to assure him that, weirdly, it didn’t bother him at all. 

“Maybe, in a way, I used our relationship as a distraction too.” Jae whispered, low and quiet as he avoided Brian’s eyes.

“Distraction from what, Jae?” Brian had asked carefully, trying to kill the hope rising inside his chest.

But like always, whenever Jae felt as if he revealed something too personal, he would usually steer the conversation away from him.

“Forget I said anything,” Jae said casually, but Brian could easily hear how forced it sounded. “By the way, I really liked that thing you did with your mouth earlier.”

_Speaking of distractions…_

Brian decided to let it go as he went along with it, “Oh, you mean like this?” He leaned closer to Jae on the bed, nudging the side of his neck with the tip of his nose before finding that sensitive spot right below his ear. Jae stayed very still as he waited for Brian’s lips to touch his skin.

But instead of nipping, sucking, and lapping at it with his tongue like he did just a few minutes ago, Brian blew a loud raspberry against him.

Jae’s delighted laugh rang loudly in the room as he tried to move away from Brian.

Except it only fueled the younger more, knowing how ticklish Jae’s neck is. And so he bent down to blow another against the skin. 

He couldn’t help admiring the way Jae threw his head back every time he laughed. And so he kept doing it a few more times, entranced and so madly in love.

The feeling of Jae trying to remove an excess cuticle from the side of his nails pulled Brian’s attention back to reality. For some reason, the gesture felt weirdly intimate for him. And so, even though he wanted nothing more than for Jae to keep holding his hands, he knew he couldn’t savor it the way he really wanted to.

Pulling away, he decided to change the subject. A thing that he learned from Jae himself.

“Anyways,” he started, flipping through his large notebook until he found the page he was looking for, “can you help me with this one? I’m having trouble writing lyrics that fit the chord progression.”

“‘Course, Bri. Let me see.”

Brian handed him the notebook. 

“What’s the genre?” Jae asked as he read what Brian had written so far. “And what do you want the words to convey?”

“It’s a bit alternative. I want the words to be relatable despite it having a subtle subversive tone that’s also self-reflective.” Brian sighed, scratching the back of his head. “I just hope going in that direction instead of a love song wasn’t too much of a bargain.”

Jae merely hummed in response, already busy writing down a few things into the song. Brian watched as his best friend got immersed in it. 

Resting his chin against his hand propped on top of the table, he studied the tiny frown that appeared between his brows, the slight pout he was sure Jae didn’t even know he was making as he concentrated, and how, without looking under the table, Brian could almost see Jae’s leg bouncing up and down. 

Brian really loves all of his tiny quirks and habits.

“What are you smiling so fondly about?” The sound of Sungjin’s voice startled Brian, making his knee bump loudly with the table.

That earned him a not-so-friendly shushing from the other students sitting near them. Sheepishly, he gave them an apologetic look before giving Sungjin a slight glare. Sungjin just let out a chuckle.

“What are you doing here?” He asked as the latter took a seat beside him.

It was Jae who answered his question, not once looking up from Brian’s notebook. “I invited him along to study with us. He kept bugging me at the café that he wants to find ‘study buddies’.”

“So, what are you guys doing?” Sungjin prompted while bringing out his books from his bag.

“Studying.” Brian gestured to the papers and books strewn on top of the table. “What else are we supposed to do in the library?”

Sungjin shrugged, feigning an innocent look. “It didn’t look like you were studying when I got here, just zoning out as you stared at something…” he paused, leaning closer to Brian and whispering, “or rather, _someone_.” He wiggled his eyebrows at him for good measure.

Brian gave him a look of warning, shooting daggers with his eyes.

_Sungjin, I swear to god…_

In a moment of weakness, after he heard that Jae got together with Joshua just a week after they fucked for the first time, Brian dialed Sungjin’s number. Armed with bottles of beer, Sungjin kept him company that night as Brian told him everything—how long he’d been pining over Jae, about almost confessing in the cafe had it not been for Mark ruining things, and the set-up that he not only agreed to but that he actually suggested in the first place. He was thankful that Sungjin just listened to him. He never interrupted him, didn’t offer any advice, and didn’t make any promises that it’ll all be okay. He knew what Brian needed at the moment, and that was just for his feelings to be heard.

Brian was more than thankful for Sungjin that night.

But now, as he kept teasingly nudging Brian’s leg under the table, he almost regretted telling him everything. Because right after he got over his funk, Sungjin felt it was safe enough to nag him into confessing again. And that was what he had been doing for the past month and a half now.

Under the table, he nudged Brian’s leg once more.

 _“What?”_ Brian wrote on a blank piece of paper, eyeing Jae to make sure that he was still busy with the song as he slid it in front of Sungjin.

 _“Did you confess yet?”_ Sungjin wrote back.

 _“No.”_ Brian even underlined the word for emphasis. Beside him, he heard Sungjin release a heavy sigh as he read it. 

He thought that was the end of it when a few minutes had passed without Sungjin’s reply. But as Brian tried for the first time since he sat down to actually do some studying (yes, he was staring at Jae the whole time), Sungjin slowly slid the paper back to him.

_“What are you so afraid of?”_

This time, Brian did not have anything to respond right away. The more he read the words, the louder they sounded in his head.

Sungjin caught him there.

He avoided meeting the latter’s eyes and instead, he hid the paper on one of the pages of his books, practically putting an end to their conversation. He didn’t have an answer to his question anyway. 

Fortunately, the sound of Jae’s voice effectively saved Brian from being under Sungjin’s scrutiny.

“Done.” Jae announced to the two of them, looking satisfied as he returned the notebook to Brian.

He looked over the latter half of the song, more specifically reading over the added lyrics. And he was so impressed that it didn’t seem at all that it was written by more than one person. Jae perfectly captured his tone and voice within the words. 

“You’re really good at this, Jae.” Brian commented, already playing the song in his head. “It’s a shame you took a break from songwriting.”

Jae blushed rose from the compliment. “Come on, now. More than half of that was already written by you and your lyrical genius. Plus, you know why I stopped writing for a while…”

'A while' was a casual way of saying five years.

Brian sighed before leaning over the table to give Jae a meaningful look. “I swear to you, if I ever meet this person who broke your heart all those years ago, we are going to have a really long talk. And I can’t promise that I’ll be nice.”

Jae stared back at him, amused. “Sure, Bribri. I’d love to see it.” He chuckled, fondly shaking his head. “And as much as I'd love to pretend to be studying with you guys, I have to go.”

Brian frowned. “Where are you going?”

“I just have to submit this paper directly to my professor’s desk. I’ll be back to talk more about our plan for Ikea in a few minutes.” And with that, he stood up from the chair and left the library before Brian could even thank him for a second time for helping with the song.

“Ikea?” Sungjin prompted now that Jae was gone.

“Oh, he asked me to come with him this weekend.” Brian informed him. “He’s planning on buying a nightstand and he said he needs my opinion in choosing and then we’ll put it together afterwards.”

“Brian…” Sungjin said his name in such a disappointed way that Brian almost didn’t want to know the reason why.

“What now, Sungjin?” He asked with a tired sigh, fully facing his friend this time.

“I really hope you realize what you just got yourself into.”

“He asked me to come and I promised I will. I’m just being a good friend, okay?”

“A good friend who sometimes fucks him too.” Sungjin added, cocking an eyebrow at him.

“Don’t you get it?” He was getting really tired of explaining himself. He was so close to losing it. “I’d rather have that than nothing at all. If Jae finds out that I’m hurting, he’ll immediately put a stop to it and I can’t have that. Our whole set-up was already a huge progress for me. I mean, who else can say that they know all about Jae’s preferences in bed other than me? I volunteered myself to help put him back together. So that he can go on the next morning to look for another lover.” He paused, furiously wiping away a single tear that dared escape his eyes. 

He could see his friend giving him a sympathetic look.

Brian continued, “So _please,_ Sungjin. Just let me do this for him. And while you’re at it, stop telling me to confess. I hear plenty enough of that in my own head. Don’t you think that I wouldn’t have already done that weeks ago if I knew I had a chance? He leaves my fucking bed every morning after sex, Sungjin. The message is pretty loud and clear. And the fact that this whole thing has gone on this long tells me where I stand with him. I’m already having a hard time accepting that this is all I can have. What else do you want me to do?”

“To not build that nightstand with him.” Sungjin’s reply was curt and simple but firm and unrelenting.

“What?”

“You said you’re just being a good friend by going with him to Ikea, right? But you see, there’s a fine line between being his best friend and taking on the role of his lover.”

“What do you mean?” 

Putting a hand on Brian’s shoulder, Sungjin continued, “A good friend would go with him to the store and give a few opinions here and there. Maybe even help haul it all the way back to his dorm. But a lover is the one who’s supposed to help build it back up, put work and effort into assembling it. It’s furniture, Bri. It would imply that, in the future, you wish to share using it with him too. And if you really think that there’s no chance of that ever happening, it’s only going to hurt you in the long run. Don’t do this to yourself.”

“What should I do?” Brian’s voice was quiet now, weak, as he leaned into Sungjin’s touch for comfort. “I love him so damn much.”

“Only you can answer that question, Brian.”

  
  


“How about this one, Bribri? Do you like the color?” Jae asked, pointing to a red, oddly shaped nightstand, almost resembling an hourglass.

“Hm?” Brian responded, not really focusing too much on judging the furniture. After talking with Sungjin the other day, he really thought hard about that analogy he made. “It’s fine, I guess.”

“What about this one?” Jae pointed to the monstrosity of a bedside table beside the first one.

“That’s fine, too.”

With a sigh, Jae turned to face Brian head-on. “Come on, you and I both know that it’s hideous.” He had a concerned look as his eyes flit over Brian’s face, searching for something. “What’s been bothering you? You seem distracted.”

Hanging his head, Brian took a deep breath before saying, “I’m sorry. I just…” he met Jae’s eyes again. “I’m tired. I pulled an all-nighter last night to catch a deadline.” It was a lie, of course. He’d been getting good at it lately.

“Oh.” Jae’s frown deepened. “Then let’s go home. We can do this some other time. You need to rest, Bri.”

Brian inwardly cursed himself. 

_Way to go, Kang. This is the first time this month that you two went out. Don’t fucking ruin it._

“No, no, I swear, I’m fine!” He was quick to backtrack. “I forgot that I actually sneaked in a few hours of sleep this morning.”

Jae didn’t budge right away. “Are you sure?”

Brian threw him a smile, more genuine this time. “I’m good. I promise. See, I’ll even rate these nightstands one by one.” To prove his point, he judged each furniture and gave them a rating. He even added in a few absurd and ridiculous comments here and there (“this looks like one of those live furniture in Beauty and the Beast” he joked, earning him a bark of laughter from Jae. To say that Brian was a little pleased with himself would be an understatement).

When he was able to convince Jae that he wasn't tired, they quickly went back to looking at different designs. This time, Brian made sure to give his honest opinions, too honest and critical that it almost seemed as if he was buying it himself as well. When Jae found something interesting, Brian would shoot it down and vice versa. Too big. Too small. The shape looked weird.

And Jae listened to him every single time.

Finally, after walking around for a while longer, they decided on a grey-stained nightstand that matched the color of Jae’s sheets.

After checking the item out, they hailed a taxi to bring it back to the older’s dorm.

Once inside his room, Brian was mustering up the courage to tell Jae that he couldn’t help build the nightstand because he forgot a homework was due tonight or some other excuse. He needed to leave now or else it would be hard for him to say no when Jae asks for his help again.

“Uh, Jae?” He started.

But it appeared that Jae didn’t hear him as he kept scrolling through his phone, busy reading something.

He tried again. “I need to—”

“—oh shit. No, no, no, I completely forgot!” Jae interrupted, suddenly sounding panicky as he quickly stood up from his bed to face Brian.

“Why, what is it?”

“We have a group meeting for a project today. And I’m already fifteen minutes late.” Jae scrambled to grab his laptop and bag. “Let’s just put this thing together some other time, Bri. Or, I don’t know, pay someone else to do it. I know you’re also busy lately. But anyways, I gotta go. I’m so sorry.”

Brian was relieved. It seemed that the universe finally took pity on him and gave him a way out. “No, it’s fine. I understand. Good luck on that project, Jae!”

“Thanks, Bri. I’ll need it.” And with that, he left Brian alone in his dorm room.

Breathing out a sigh, Brian stared at the box containing the furniture. Sungjin’s words rang in his head, telling him all the reasons not to go through with it. He really can be wise whenever he needs to be. But as he remembered Jae’s face from earlier inside the store, how happy he was when they finally agreed on the design, it was clear to Brian what he needed to do.

Later that night, he got a few texts from Jae, one of them having an image attached to it.

**🐣:**

_BRIBRI_

_thankyouthankyouthankyou_

_it looks SO GOOD, i can’t believe you built it without me!!_

Brian clicked on the picture to enlarge it. And as he saw Jae looking silly and kissing the top of the nightstand with a blinding smile, Brian knew that he made the right choice. 

_Forget what Sungjin said. I’d do anything for you, Jae._

He had wanted to set it as his phone wallpaper but he knew that he couldn’t. They know each other’s passcode and so there was a high chance of Jae seeing his background set to this. Brian wouldn’t be prepared to answer any question that would arise from it.

Not long after, he settled to staring at Jae’s picture instead, the way his entire face was lit up doing wonders to Brian's heart. 

_I was the reason behind that smile._ Was his last thought before closing his eyes.

  
  
  


About another month later, with the end of the semester almost at an arm’s reach, Brian held on to their after school meetups at the café like a lifeline. It was his only reprieve from the mountain of books that needed to be read, papers to write, and songs to be finished waiting back on his desk. The short moments that he could steal laughing with Jae, getting to hear how his day went, and complaining to him about how his own classes had been brutal as well, they kept him motivated.

As he stepped inside, he released a sigh as the scent of the place hit him. Throwing a nod in greeting to Jae and Sungjin’s direction, he was back in the comfortable familiarity of their routine. Claiming their usual seat by the windows, Brian was back in his happy place.

Fortunately, Jae and Sungjin’s shifts didn’t last too long and within a matter of minutes, they were already clocking out before coming over to Brian’s table. Their usual aprons were now absent. Brian had on a bright smile as he watched Jae approach him, holding his order. He pulled the chair open for Jae to sit on, only to have Jae shake his head at him.

“I can’t stay today, Bri.” He told him with a sigh, placing Brian’s drink on the table.

“What, why?” Brian frowned, feeling himself start to deflate.

“Ayeon and I made plans.” Jae informed him, checking the time on his phone. “Her class ends in ten minutes, I gotta go pick her up.”

“Oh, um,” Brian’s brain scrambled to say something as Jae was already making his leave, “rain check?”

Jae nodded at him. “I’ll just drop by your room later for take-out dinner. Bye, guys!” And with that, he was gone. Brian was left staring after him, dumbfounded.

Oh, did he forgot to mention? Jae had been dating Ayeon for about two weeks now. And Brian should have been used to it. After all, it was just another fling, right? 

But you see, he was starting to suspect that Jae might actually like her. As in like her enough to want their relationship to last. 

Even when he was still dating his previous exes, Jae never blew Brian off. Ever. In fact, it was the other way around. Once, he overheard Jae arguing with Joshua over having to cancel their date because Brian needed his help writing a paper. 

Brian would never admit to feeling good about it out loud, but he couldn’t help it. Jae chose to spend time with _him_ over sweet, sweet Joshua.

But now, as he looked at Jae’s usual seat that was now empty, he was afraid that Jae was finally letting himself get attached. And it wasn’t with him.

That thought hurt so much more than all those mornings he woke up alone, with Jae’s scent still lingering on his sheets.

“It was probably something important, Brian.” Sungjin tried to console him.

Brian put on a fake smile. “It’s okay, man. I’m used to it.” A complete lie. “But hey, how are you, Sungjin-ah? Jae told me you have a boyfriend now! How is he? Wonpil, is it?”

See? He was getting better at deflecting. Probably even better than Jae at this point.

“He is actually on his way here now to pick me up.” Sungjin told him, a faint blush spreading all over his cheeks. “Do you want to meet him?”

“Of course. I want to know how you guys started.” Brian wiggled his eyebrows at him. Joking, he continued, “I especially want to know how you managed to get someone to like you and your awful personality.”

“Easy.” Sungjin replied, sounding serious all of a sudden. “He was my best friend back home, the one person who knows me the most. I finally got over all my shit and actually started talking to him for real. Without hiding anything this time. Sounds familiar?”

Brian sighed. _Here we go again…_

“Sungjin, I’m happy for you. I really am. But Jae and I’s situation isn’t as simple as yours. So please—”

“Wonpil and I couldn’t be together before because he was still hiding in the closet.” Sungjin cut him off. “But after I took the chance and confessed to him, he finally felt brave enough to come out to his parents, freely be the person he really is. And now, his father could barely talk to him because of it.” He cocked an eyebrow at Brian, making him cower from the intensity behind his eyes. “Tell me again how simple and easy it was for us.”

Brian released a heavy breath, feeling a little ashamed. “I’m sorry, Sungjin. I didn’t know.”

“Yes, Brian. You really wouldn’t know unless you asked.” His friend shrugged, sitting back against the chair. “The same goes for your feelings for Jae. Keep that in mind.”

“I’ll try, okay? That’s all I can promise right now.” Brian swallowed the lump in his throat. Just the idea of it almost made his insides freeze. 

_Why am I so afraid?_ He asked himself. But deep down, he already knew the answer. Have known about it since their fight and they didn’t talk for a month. 

He was afraid that when he finally tells his best friend how much he loves him, Jae would just think that it wouldn’t last. That _they_ wouldn’t last. And that he would lose his best friend, the most important person in his life.

  
  


The next few days, it seemed that things have been going great between Jae and Ayeon. He blew off another one of their café meetups to spend time with her. Fortunately, Brian had finals week to distract him from sulking about it all day and night. Sure, Jae still avoided bringing her up whenever they hung out but it was getting really hard to ignore the constant ringing of Jae’s phone. He really didn’t know how much more of this he could take. 

However, merely a week later after his talk with Sungjin, Brian heard urgent knocks on his door at freaking one in the morning.

“Jae?” Brian asked, confused. “What are you doing here this late?”

“Brian, I need you.” Jae replied, seeming jittery and a little desperate. “ _Please._ ”

Without hesitation, Brian let him in. And in a heartbeat, Jae had him pinned against the door, leaning to capture his lips in a heated kiss. Brian’s knees suddenly felt weak. As he kissed him back with equal fervor, wrapping his arms around his neck to pull him closer, he still couldn’t ignore the nagging thought in the back of his head.

Pulling away, he was already breathless as he asked, “But what about Ayeon?”

Something cracked in Jae’s expression as he met Brian’s eyes. “We’re over.”

Brian’s heart surged. “But… But I thought you really liked her?”

“I thought so too. Until I…” Jae trailed off, looking away from Brian.

“Until what, Jae?” Brian pushed. “What happened?”

Once again, Jae searched his face. His eyes flit over his features. Brian noticed that he looked sad and troubled.

 _It must’ve been a bad breakup._ He thought to himself.

Heaving a sigh, Jae asked him instead, “Can we please not talk about anyone else whenever we’re together?”

Brian hated the way hope suddenly flooded his chest at his words. This was one of the reasons why he couldn’t say no to sleeping with Jae. He loved how he was the only one Jae looked for whenever he needed to feel better. 

And so, even though it hurt to see how much Jae was hurting over someone else, Brian will do anything to help him feel better. Even just for a night.

“Okay,” Brian whispered back, gently pulling him closer as he added, “I got you. I’m here now.”

(If Brian hadn’t been too distracted by the promise of sex, he would’ve noticed the way Jae’s eyes shone just after hearing those words.)

He slowly led Jae towards his bed, working to take off their clothes along the way. As the back of Jae’s legs hit the bed, Brian gently pushed him to lay on it before crawling on top of him. 

It was almost too familiar how they openly bared themselves to each other. 

Hungry lips took claim of their favorites places and wandering hands began their exploration. Every gasp, moan, and whimper sounded like a perfect symphony. They savored every kiss, every flick of the tongue, and every little bite as they tasted each other almost as if it was the first time. Brian peppered Jae’s neck with bruises, and Jae gladly returned the favor by feasting on his chest and all over his thighs. 

As Brian got ready to prepare himself, Jae wrapped his fingers around his wrist, effectively stopping him. When Brian looked at him to ask why, his heart raced to see the vulnerability in Jae’s eyes.

“Brian,” he started, almost in a pleading tone, “can you fuck me tonight?”

This was the first time Jae requested it. Don’t get Brian wrong, he loved it so much having Jae stretch him open, his cock pulsing inside of him. But hearing him say this now, his entire being soared even just by thinking about it. 

“Of course, Jae.” He replied, sounding breathless just from the anticipation, “I’ll make you feel so good. I got you, Jae-ya.”

It didn’t slip Brian’s notice the way Jae keened from the nickname.

Going in for another kiss, he slowly and carefully breached Jae’s hole with his finger. Jae couldn’t hold in the sinful sounds from escaping his lips as Brian pulled back, only to position himself between the older’s thighs, bending down to place sweet kisses on the head of his cock. Jae watched him with undivided attention, thick fingers stroking his member while a couple more worked to get him loose. 

Brian noticed how there was something different about tonight. Aside from the sudden request, Jae kept grabbing his hand and interlacing their fingers, his lips yearning to keep touching the younger’s skin, and he often guided Brian’s mouth back to his whenever he was away for too long. It was as if he couldn’t get enough of him, that he craved for Brian and _only_ Brian. 

For the first time in a month, Brian had let himself enjoy it for what it’s worth. He let himself forget that Jae would just leave him again in the morning. He wanted to remember this night for what it was—him finally getting to show Jae how much he loves him through his body.

It didn’t take long for Jae to tell him that he was ready, and that he wanted Brian now. 

_Bribri, please— I need you… fuck—_

Brian savored it all, brimming with desire to hear how much Jae wants him too.

And as he started thrusting in and out of Jae, a different kind of heat spread all over him. The way Jae stared deep into his eyes as if seeing all sides of him, he felt it reach the deepest places in his heart. Or the way Jae reached a hand up to place it on his chest, to feel the beat of his heart as he told Brian that he was doing incredible as he quickly found his prostate, hitting the spot again and again. He almost came right then and there when Jae pulled him back down to kiss the sounds from his mouth, almost folding himself in half. One of his hands gripped Brian’s hip and the other running gently through his hair. 

It was all too soft, too intimate.

Brian pulled back for a bit, hips not once stilling their delicious motions, as he stared into Jae's eyes. Those three words were sitting right there on the tip of his tongue. So close to escaping yet he was too afraid, wanting to make this last for as long as he can. 

Below him, he saw Jae continue to search his face. He had been doing that a lot lately, studying Brian and trying to know what he’s thinking. But like always, he never had the guts to ask what he was looking for.

This time, as they found the perfect rhythm that had them both gasping loudly, Jae gripped Brian’s hands as they chased the sensation together, getting ready to fall freely into the unknown, not once breaking their gaze.

When they came, Brian felt so weak from the force of it that he collapsed on top of Jae. 

And Jae wasn’t doing any better. Brian could feel how fast his heart was beating as he laid on his chest. 

He thanked the universe that he was still mentally conscious after such a mind-blowing orgasm. He would have hated to miss the way Jae protectively wrapped his arms around him, placing soft kisses on top of his hair, as he soothed him with beautiful words.

“You’re amazing, Bribri.”

“Always been so good to me.”

“God, I don’t deserve you…”

His heart soared after hearing those words. Even this was a bit different from their usual pillowtalk. They often teased each other and bickered, chatting casually until they fell asleep. It hadn’t been this serious, this… _vulnerable_ before. 

“Brian, I—” Jae caught himself, cutting off whatever he was about to say.

Tilting his head, Brian propped his chin on Jae’s chest to look up at him.

And what he saw tore his heart apart.

Jae had tears running down his cheeks. 

Almost out of instinct, he reached up to wipe them away, only for a few more to take their place. 

Brian didn’t know what to do, he just knew that he hated seeing Jae upset.

“D-Did I hurt you?” Brian asked, fear and concern written on his face as he pulled away to properly caress Jae’s face. 

Jae screwed his eyes shut at his words, causing more tears to fall. “ _God, no_ , Bri. You did nothing wrong. I just, I can’t—” he stopped himself. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes again to give Brian a pleading look. “Can we please not talk about it and just cuddle?”

Brian felt like his insides were being twisted and wrung dry. It was the first time in a long time that he’d seen Jae cry. 

_Did their breakup really hurt that much?_

He almost felt like crying as well. It seemed to him that Jae finally let himself get too attached only to have his heart be broken again. That Ayeon became the one exception to his rule and yet she threw it all away.

Brian’s world revolved around Jae. And to see him crying because some girl didn’t realize how lucky she was, how good she had it? He was so close to crumbling under the pain and heartbreak as well. He hated seeing people hurt the one person he treasures the most.

But he could not let himself be weak. 

Especially not now when Jae needs him.

Gently, Brian pulled out of him to lay down beside him on the bed. He ran his hand through Jae’s hair, feeling the soft strands brushing against his fingers. Jae watched him with shining eyes, following his movements and looking so vulnerable that it hurts. 

“Please stop crying, Jae-ya.” Brian whispered in that sweet way he knew was Jae’s weakness, leaning to place a kiss on his forehead. “I got you, okay? I’m right here. I’ll never leave you.” He made sure to meet Jae’s eyes as he promised, “It’s you and me against the world, right?”

After the words left his mouth, Jae moved closer to him, tucking his head to rest on his chest and hugging his torso. Brian returned the embrace, wrapping a protective arm around him as his other hand continued running through his hair and brushing the strands from his forehead. He bent down to place chaste kisses on the top of his head, his temples, cheeks, and basically anywhere he could reach. He kept doing it for a while until he could feel Jae’s breathing start to slow down, lulling him into a comfortable sleep. 

Brian tried to stay awake for as long as he could, savoring everything before the morning came. His grip on Jae never loosened as his heart kept hurting after seeing Jae cry. It was painful knowing he wasn’t able to do anything to prevent it from happening.

 _Why can’t you choose me, Jae? Why can’t you try loving me instead?_

  
  


The next morning, as Brian’s eyes fluttered open, his heart felt lighter at the thought of having another one of Jae’s post-it notes waiting to be read by him. But as he made a move to get up from the bed, he felt a weight on his back and on one of his legs. 

His entire body froze, not wanting to believe it. Hating the way hope quickly flooded his chest, almost engulfing him. He prayed harder than ever that his mind wasn't just playing tricks on him.

Heart in his throat, he slowly turned his head to the side. He was afraid that if he moved too fast, everything would instantly vanish right before his eyes. But to his surprise, he was greeted with the beautiful sight of Jae, asleep and absolutely there beside him. It was Jae’s arm wrapped around his back and one of Jae’s long legs tangled with his own. 

A tear slid down Brian’s cheek.

For the first time, he didn’t wake up to an empty bed.

_He didn’t leave me. He stayed._


	4. they say love is pain, well darling, let's hurt tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jae and Brian stopped being afraid...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the last chapter, freaking finally! 😅 There had been a mishap and I accidentally deleted a few paragraphs. I was so frustrated for a while so then I overcompensated and stayed up until 4 in the morning last night just to try to rewrite everything and then some (I think this version's like 1-2k more than the initial word count so there's a silver lining after all lol). Anyways, I got lucky that I was mostly done when that happened so it wasn't too bothersome, thank goodness.  
> Also! I tweeted an angsty snippet the other day without context, but I swear to you, this is like, the fluffiest and least angsty chapter in this fic. Just wanted to stir the pot a little *winks in apology*  
> Friendly warning, there's explicit sexual content in this chapter.  
> Okay, enough chitchat, hope you like it!

“I can’t do this.” Ayeon told Jae, getting up from the bed and moving away from his embrace. “I’m not cut out for shit like this. I can’t be with someone who fucking moans for his best friend in his sleep!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jae exclaimed, not knowing what else to say. He was still feeling overwhelmed and a little turned around when Ayeon woke him up just to tell him that she’s breaking up with him. “I was having a nightmare!”

“Exactly!” Ayeon retorted. “At first I thought you were just having a sex dream or something. But then I heard that you started crying. You kept begging for Brian not to leave you. In your sleep, Jae! God, you sounded so broken and desperate. I don’t know whether to feel bad for you or pity myself.” In a hurry, she started gathering her books and papers from Jae’s desk and putting them inside her bag. “I’m such an idiot. I should’ve known when I fucking saw your entire portfolio. But _no_ , naïve me justified that—”

“You went through my portfolio without my permission?” Jae cut her off, his voice dangerously low as he stood up from the bed to face Ayeon. 

He was feeling a lot of things at once. Betrayed, angry, and oh, so terrified. He was afraid of the things she was saying, of how much truth there was behind her words. 

In his dream—or rather, nightmare—he was back to that night in his old room when he sang that song confessing all of his feelings for Brian. But instead of his best friend mistakenly thinking it was meant for someone else, in the dream, he outright rejected Jae. He could easily remember the look of disdain and disappointment on Brian’s face as he told him that he didn’t want them to be friends anymore.

“Oh please, it was just a fucking accident.” She waved him off, dismissive as she turned to face him head-on. “But I’m actually glad it happened. Or else I wouldn’t have known that almost every picture on there contains the same person over and over. That’s Brian, isn’t it?”

Words suddenly failed Jae as he struggled to come up with a response. What can he do? He loves to capture beautiful things. And Brian just so happens to be the most beautiful in his eyes. 

But he figured it wouldn’t go over well with Ayeon so he just kept his mouth shut about it.

“Ayeon, please,” he tried to reach out but Ayeon just stepped farther away from him. “What did you expect? He’s my best friend.” 

“I told myself the same thing last week when I saw how different Brian and I’s names are saved in your phone. ‘Okay, they grew up together. They have a long history.’ But, I’m your girlfriend, Jae. Why am I still saved as freaking Lee Ayeon on your phone? Do you know how cold and distant that felt to me?”

“I’m sorry, okay?” Jae gave her an imploring look. “Why don’t I— I mean, I- I can change it into anything you like, just—”

“That’s not the fucking point!” She caught herself raising her voice. After releasing a heavy breath, she continued, “And look, I get it. He’s the most important person in your life, I understand that. I really do. But Jae, did you ever ask yourself why you never introduced me to him? Are you keeping me at arm’s length? Am I not yet worthy enough to meet _your_ Brian?” She paused, giving him a pained look. “Or are you just with me to convince yourself that you’re not in love with him?”

Jae felt his heart stopped beating.

“ _No._ ” He firmly told her. “It’s not like that, Ayeon.”

Brian’s different. He’s special, yes. But not in the way Ayeon was saying.

 _Or is it exactly like that?_ The tiny voice in his head reasoned, reminding him of that first morning he almost cried because he didn’t want to leave Brian’s bed. But for his own sake, he knew that he needed to.

 _‘It doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just sex.’_ Brian words from all those weeks ago kept repeating themselves in his head. These same words were the reason why he forces himself to leave every morning before Brian wakes up. It would surely break him if Brian woke up to see him in his bed, looking confused and asking why he was still there. It didn’t mean anything to his best friend when it meant the world to Jae. 

It was never _just_ sex for him. Not when it was with Brian.

And it wasn’t that Ayeon was just like his past flings. He really wanted to give them a try, put in effort to make them last. She’s a nice person. She shared the same humor as him. And she had a “no bullshit” attitude with life that Jae admired so much. When they first met on campus, he could already tell that they’d get along. He couldn’t even begin to describe how much he hates himself for doing this to her right now. But, even though he was still trying to salvage their relationship, he knew deep down that he doesn’t deserve her.

On some nights when he would let himself get lost in his own dark thoughts, he would wonder how long he and Ayeon will last for him to be able to have an excuse to go back to Brian’s arms, have his best friend mend him and make him feel better again. And then he would hate himself once more for thinking that in the first place.

“Then what _is_ it like, huh?” She stepped closer to him, challenging. “Tell me. Because I don’t think you know either.”

He didn’t know what else to say as guilt riddled his entire being. Ayeon got him there. He was sure that there was that one reason why he kept his relationships away from Brian. He just didn’t know what. Or, maybe, he was just too afraid to admit why. 

“That’s what I thought.” Ayeon nodded when she didn’t get an answer. She seemed calmer now. Sighing in defeat, she finally told him, “I think it’s best we end this now. While it’s still relatively new. I don’t want us to end up just wasting each other’s time when you’re so clearly taken by someone else.”

“Ayeon, please…” Jae tried reaching out again. But this time, even though Ayeon didn’t pull away, he felt his heart sink when he saw the look of resolution in her eyes. “I promise I’ll make it up to you. I’ll do better. Just… don’t do this.”

“In your sleep, you kept telling him how much you love him, Jae. I heard it with my own ears. There’s nothing else you can say to convince me otherwise.” She gave him a tiny smile. But there was no humor behind it, just resignation. “And who knows, maybe someday you’ll even thank me for doing this. But right now, I’m just asking you to start being honest with yourself.” She carefully cupped the side of his face, leaning closer to give him an encouraging smile. “Can you at least do that? For me?”

Jae’s heart broke for what felt like the thousandth time that morning. It broke for her. For the fact that she wasn’t even furious with him. It spoke volumes about who she is as a person and how she could do _so much better_ than him.

As Jae met her eyes again, he no longer had it in him to keep lying. With the quietest voice, he finally told her the very thing he had been too afraid to admit to anyone for the first time in years, “It’s just… I’m so scared of getting hurt again. What if, this time around, I won’t be able to recover from it anymore.”

“Oh, Jae…” She pulled him into a comforting hug. “Life is too short not to tell people how much we love them. If what you’re feeling is real, then you shouldn’t be afraid of the uncertainty. Be honest. Be vulnerable. That’s what makes us human, right? And, I may not know Brian personally but from what I gathered, he seems like an amazing person. You’ll be just fine. He is your best friend after all.”

As he let her words wash over him, Jae tightened his hold on her, burying the tip of his nose on her hair. “I’m _so_ sorry, Ayeon. I messed us up.”

She soothed him, rubbing a hand down his back. “You didn’t. I’m okay, see? And, who knows? Maybe when all of this is over, you’ve finally got over your shit and stopped being afraid of Brian, you and me could try our hand at being good friends.” Ayeon paused, pulling away from the embrace to make a face at him. “Wait, no. Actually, I’m too good for you.”

Jae let out a surprised laugh. This was the Ayeon that he thought, _hoped,_ he could love. But alas, he found that he kept gravitating back to Brian. It had always been him no matter how hard Jae tried to convince himself otherwise.

“Thank you, Ayeon. Really.” He told her, meaning every word.

With shining eyes, Ayeon gave him a grateful look before reaching to place one final kiss on his cheek. “Goodbye, Jae.” She whispered to him. “I mean— not really _goodbye_ goodbye but, you know what I mean.”

Jae chuckled. “Of course.”

She bent down to pick up her bag from the floor. “The next time I see you around campus, you better be holding hands with Brian or something. Or else, my dramatic speech would’ve been for nothing.”

He fondly shook his head at her words. Among all of his past relationships, this was definitely the most meaningful yet amicable breakup he’s ever had. In more ways than one.

“I make no promises.” He played along as he walked with her to the door. “But for you, I’ll try.”

She held his gaze, her tone was suddenly serious as she corrected him, “No, Jae. Do it for yourself.” She pulled the door open. And over her shoulder, she added, “And who knows, maybe you’ll be doing Brian a favor too.”

With that, she was out the door, taking the last hope of their relationship with her. Jae was left reeling and starting to get anxious about what he should do about Brian now.

  
  


For the rest of the day, he pretty much floated from one classroom to another, barely paying attention to any of them. He was too busy going back and forth with himself, thinking about his chances, if there even is any. Everytime he tried to formulate a proper sentence, going about how he should confess, Brian’s words repeated themselves over and over in his head, effectively stopping him. 

If he was being completely honest with himself, he would admit that he’d been getting mixed signals from Brian lately. Helping pay for his new camera just so he’d stop working on the weekends, the way the smile quickly slips off his face whenever Jae would tell him that he’s got a new lover, and the way he praised Jae’s body with his lips every time they fell into their setup. Jae knew for sure that he didn’t imagine Brian staring deep into his eyes as they reached the heavens together, how tightly he held Jae’s hands as if he had no plans of ever letting go. He always took care of Jae. But then he never said anything either.

_‘It’s just sex.’_

Jae remembered feeling his hopes crash down on him when Brian first uttered those words. Imagine thinking that Brian was finally making the first move on him, fucking palming him through his pants and looking at him with those shining, lust-filled eyes, only to hear him say those things immediately after.

And how he repeated them again the night they had sex for the first time. 

_‘You were getting over a relationship and I was drowning in schoolwork. I needed it, too.’_ He made it sound like what they were doing was just a fucking stress reliever and nothing more.

Jae didn’t know what to think.

After his last class and as he was about to start his shift at the café, he ignored Brian’s text asking about his day. His entire being longed to respond, hell, even give him a freaking call just to hear his voice and listen to him laugh. But it wasn’t like he could even tell him what really happened since he woke up from a nightmare just this morning. Which, by the way, was mostly about Brian.

It was like the universe was playing a joke on him. The only person who knows how to comfort and make him feel better was also the same reason why he’d been feeling conflicted and so damn afraid in the first place.

So, in the end, he decided to call in sick for work. He was lucky enough that it was a slow day and Sungjin covered for him just so that he could wallow in his dorm and drown in self-loathing. He was afraid to see Brian so quickly just after having his own fears confirmed before him. That apparently, all these years he spent trying to run away from the true extent of his feelings for Brian were completely pointless. He was still as madly and hopelessly in love with his best friend as he was since he first found out what love truly even felt.

He didn’t notice how long he’d been putting off talking to Brian when his eyes caught sight of his digital clock followed by his gaze landing just below it. More specifically, his attention landed on the grey-stained nightstand that Brian assembled for him.

He didn’t have to do it. And yet, he still kept finding ways of surprising Jae with these small but meaningful acts of love. It was through things like this that he often found himself falling deeper than he already had. 

It was then that he decided that it was time for him to be completely honest with Brian. Be vulnerable. He just needed to trust that his best friend would never intentionally hurt him that way again. This time, when the morning comes, he will no longer run away. 

Grabbing his portfolio and stuffing it inside his bag, he ran like hell across campus.

And that was how he found himself right outside Brian’s dorm at well past midnight. He was terrified out of his mind but determined to do this right, desperate but ready, and still so completely taken by the person waiting on the other side of that door.

  
  


***

  
  


Brian didn’t know how long he’d been staring at Jae’s sleeping form until the older started stirring awake. Nerves shot through his entire body as well as doubt crept into his thoughts. What if Jae just forgot to leave? Or that he accidentally slept in and that was the only reason why he was still here? What if this was too good to be true?

After his initial shock and elation, Brian could barely stop his hopes from escalating. The thing that he’d been praying for has finally happened. Jae stayed. As clear as day, he could see the constant rise and fall of his chest, hear the tiny sounds coming out of his lips, and the weight of Jae’s arm over his torso felt as real as ever.

But now that his best friend was starting to awaken, he was afraid that this would all disappear right in front of his eyes.

And so, he did the only thing he could think of at the moment. He pretended that he was still fast asleep.

It wasn’t long until he heard Jae let out a big yawn and felt the way he stretched out his long limbs. Brian secretly mourned the loss of contact when Jae’s legs untangled from his. But he was quickly appeased when he felt strong arms reclaiming their spot around his waist and cuddling closer to him. Hope bloomed inside his chest when he was reminded that they were still very naked underneath the sheets as he felt one of Jae’s knees slotting in between his thighs. 

And God, it was pretty much a miracle that Brian was able to stop himself from reacting when he felt lips pressing lazy kisses all over his chest.

“Good morning.” Jae whispered against his skin.

Brian kept up the act. Staying absolutely still.

He heard Jae let out a soft chuckle, the sound of it so bright and carefree that if he weren’t pretending right now, he’d do anything just to hear it again. 

“I know you’re awake, Bribri. Your ears and cheeks are practically red. You can’t fool me.”

Embarrassed that he’d been caught, he covered his face with his hands, hiding his blush.

But he couldn’t bring himself to feel too bad about it. Not when he was rewarded with more of Jae’s melodious laugh.

However, the warmth flooding his heart didn’t last long as he felt Jae’s arms tighten around him for the last time before pulling away to get up from the bed. 

_So I guess this is it._ Brian steeled himself, preparing for the worst as Jae picked up his boxers and shirt from the floor to put them on. _He’s going to leave me again. Of course, he will. What was I even thinking? Friends who fuck don’t stay in bed together until late in the morning. I should’ve known better._

Once their eyes met again, Brian waited with bated breath.

Oblivious to his inner turmoil, Jae just threw him an easy smile before asking, “Coffee?” He pointed with his thumb to the direction of the kitchenette, cocking an eyebrow at him in question.

Oh.

He wasn’t expecting that at all.

“Uhh, I mean— yeah, sure.” Brian stammered, sitting up in bed and making sure that the blanket was still covering his junk. “Do you want me to make them?”

The older’s smile slowly stretched into a tiny smirk as he eyed Brian trying to awkwardly keep his lower half covered. Which, now that he was following the line of Jae’s gaze, wasn’t really doing much to hide his morning wood. As quickly as he could, he grabbed one of the pillows to place it on his lap.

“You didn’t see anything.” He warned Jae, not daring to meet his eyes again.

Jae laughed. God, Brian wanted to hear more of it even if it’s at his own expense. He really was, for lack of better word, hopelessly whipped. 

“Sure, Bribri. But it’s not like I haven’t seen it a lot of times before.”

“ _Jae_ ,” he whined like a little kid.

“What? It’s true!” Jae defended, raising his hands in front of himself. With a low, suggestive voice, he continued, “Your dick was even inside of me just last n—”

A pillow hitting him on the head cut off his words.

Narrowing his eyes at the offender, Jae responded, “Rude.”

“Asshole.”

“See,” Jae’s grin only widened, “now _you’re_ the one who’s bringing it up.”

At this, Brian just threatened to throw him another pillow.

“Alright, alright!” Jae relented, letting out a chuckle and lightening his entire face with it. “I’ll stop, I’m sorry.” He tossed the pillow back to Brian before walking towards the sink.

Brian followed his movements with undivided attention. He was still a little wary and confused about what really is happening. It also didn’t slip his notice that Jae seemed… more open with talking about their “nightly setup”. 

Sure, it was just the two of them in the room together. But that’s the thing, Jae wasn’t quite as casual with it as before. And yet, there he was, teasing Brian with it almost relentlessly just about a minute ago.

“You hungry?” Jae’s voice pulled his attention away from his own thoughts. Brian saw that he was crouching down as he scrounged the tiny fridge after getting the coffee started. “What do you want to eat?”

And as much as Brian wanted to just go with this, follow Jae’s lead and pretend that they suddenly woke up in an alternate universe where they’re a long-time couple preparing to eat breakfast together, this was all too much for him to handle. Too domestic. Too intimate. 

_Wasn’t he just crying over Ayeon last night?_

Brian couldn’t suddenly play house with him just because he was trying to distract himself from his breakup. He couldn’t let himself be a placeholder until someone better comes along. Not anymore. He still had a little dignity left inside of him.

“Jae, what are you doing?” He found himself asking.

“Hm?” Jae responded, a bit distracted. “I’m going to cook breakfast.”

“No.” The firmness in Brian’s voice made Jae turn to him. Holding the older’s gaze, Brian continued, “I meant, what are you doing _here?_ ”

In an instant, the easy and casual expression dropped from Jae’s face. With a tired sigh, he rose to his full height to face the younger still sitting naked on the bed. “Bri, can you please let me do this? Let me prolong what happened between us last night for a little while before you kick me out? Just… pretend with me for a bit. _Please_.”

Brian’s heart ached some more. His hands turn into fists over the sheets. “You’re asking too much of me, Jae. I’m not just a substitute for Ayeon. If you still want to be with her, then please don’t ask me to pretend to take her place.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jae walked closer to him. The look of pure confusion on his face astounded Brian. 

“Just last night, you cried after sex.” Brian reminded him with a quirk of his brow. “That was because of her, right? Because she was different from your other relationships?”

Jae stared at him for a bit, dumbfounded. But as Brian watched him process the words, he mirrored Jae’s earlier look of confusion when the older started shaking his head at him.

“What is it?” He asked carefully, afraid that Jae will just confirm his worst fears.

Jae sat on the foot of the bed as he admitted, “I was crying over you, Brian.”

Brian’s heart pretty much skipped a beat after hearing those words. He gaped at him, unable to comprehend what he was saying. “ _Me_? What did I do?”

“What _didn’t_ you do?” Was what he replied instead of answering the question.

Brian just kept getting more confused by the second. He tried to scoot closer to where Jae was sitting but then he accidentally pulled the blanket dangerously lower on his hips. He noticed that Jae’s eyes travelled down his body, watching him awkwardly trying to shift to a relatively more decent position.

He heard Jae clear his throat to say, “I’m sorry, but can you please put some clothes on? You’re distracting me, Bribri.”

Brian sighed, doing as he was told. He didn’t know if what Jae said was true or that he was just stalling like usual.

But now that he matched Jae’s level of “decency”—still only just wearing a large shirt and boxer shorts—he cocked an eyebrow at the older, purposefully leading them back to where they left off.

“Why were you crying over me, Jae?” He repeated. He tried racking his brain of anything that he might’ve done recently that had upset Jae but he kept coming up short. 

_What did I do wrong?_ He asked himself, hating the fact that he made his best friend cry.

“Brian…” Jae broke away from his gaze. Instead, his hands reached out to grab one of Brian’s. He began playing with his fingers as he whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Brian’s response was automatic. Sure, they don’t say it to each other that often but it was a long-established fact between the two best friends. 

Why was Jae bringing it up now? Couldn’t he tell how nervous Brian already felt?

Jae’s eyes met his again, surprised by his quick reply. But then he probably saw the open and innocent expression on Brian’s face, understanding that the younger didn’t fully grasp the truth behind those words. 

Tightening his grip on Brian, he finally told him, “No, Bri. I am _in love_ with you. Have been for more than five years now.”

Brian felt as if the world had stopped spinning. He couldn’t believe what he just heard, couldn’t accept what had been revealed to him. It basically unravelled everything that he believed to be true ever since he decided to keep his feelings to himself, afraid that Jae didn’t feel the same.

_He hid this from me for five fucking years?!_

“Why didn’t you say anything?” His voice sounded fragile as he gave his best friend an imploring look. “Why didn’t you tell me, Jae?”

“I have, actually.” Jae let out a humorless chuckle. “I wrote it all in a song. And when I sang it to you, you thought it was meant for you to confess to someone else. God, Bri. I’m not gonna lie. That broke me. It hurt me so much that I stopped writing music, got into meaningless relationships for distraction, and convinced myself that love doesn’t last just to trick myself into believing that, someday, I can get over you. It took me a while to accept but,” he paused, releasing a heavy breath, “now I know it wasn’t your fault that you don’t feel the same. So in the end, I kept it all in. That was actually what I’ve been doing all this time, trying to run away from the fact that I’m still so madly in love with you. And that I never really stopped.”

Brian reached out to wipe away the tears that had fallen on Jae’s cheeks. He was actually not too far behind as his own vision started getting blurry around the edges. 

He couldn’t even begin to describe everything that he’s been feeling at the moment. He was happy, yes. No doubt about that. Here Jae was, telling him that he’s been in love with him far longer than Brian even realized the full extent of his love for the older. Jae basically stole the words right off his mouth. 

But, he was also inexplicably mad at himself for inflicting so much pain to the one person he promised himself he’d never hurt. And how he unknowingly made Jae feel as if he couldn’t confide in him, couldn’t tell him everything.

 _Now who’s being a hypocrite?_ A small voice in his head taunted Brian. _Aren’t you doing the same thing? Keeping secrets from Jae because you’re too scared of getting rejected?_

Admittedly, Brian knew he’d been a coward. Hell, even Sungjin pointed it out. But then he now realized that he could’ve saved themselves a whole lot of pining and pain if he had just fucking said something that night in Jae’s old room. Right now, it was finally time to do what’s right.

Not wanting to interrupt Jae, especially not now when he was beginning to let it all out, Brian chose to listen first and waited for Jae to continue. “Last night, I cried because, well… I let myself take pride in being able to sleep with you. Every night we did it, I’d pretend that you’re doing it for the same reason as me. That it had meant something between us. And then in the morning, I’d wake up with the painful reminder that it was all just sex for you and nothing more. So I always try to leave before you wake up. That way, I wouldn't get to hear you asking me what I’m still doing in your room. Kind of like what you just did a few minutes ago.” Jae shrugged, looking down at himself.

 _Kang Younghyun, you fucking idiot._ Brian cursed himself. That was what he got for running his mouth without thinking.

He didn’t even know what to say. Jae was so wrong about a lot of things. _God, he really thought I didn’t feel the same way?_

But then as he considered everything carefully, he realized that he needed to start where all of this confusion and miscommunication happened.

“Jae,” he cupped the side of his friend’s face, holding his gaze and not letting him shy away, “I _never_ used your song to confess to someone else. I admit, that was my initial thought. And now that I’m hearing what it made you feel, I’m already planning on spending the rest of my life making up for it. But you see, when I listened to it again after you sent me the recording, I suddenly wanted to keep it forever. You changed my mind. It’s— it’s too special. Too beautiful. I kept thinking that, ‘You gave it to me. It’s _mine_. And I don’t want to share it with anyone else.’ God, Jae, if you only knew. For years, it was the one thing I listened to every night; your voice was always the last thing I heard before going to sleep. Please know that your song gave me so much more. It taught me to love music. _You_ taught me to love music. And it breaks my heart to hear that I’m the reason why you stopped writing. That I unknowingly did that to you. When you’re pretty much the only inspiration behind all of my songs. You have no idea how much I’ve fallen for you, Jae. It might have taken me a while longer to realize it but, when I did, that was it. I was a goner. It had always been you for me. Right from the start.”

Jae stared at him with hope unmistakably making his eyes shine. “You mean that?”

“Every word.” A tear finally fell from his eyes. Chuckling lightly at himself, he whined, “See? Now _I’m_ crying too.” With his free hand, he wiped it off using the sleeve of his shirt.

“Gross.” Jae teased him, laughing along and looking so hopelessly fond that made Brian’s heart swell at the sight of it.

“Shut up, I know you love me.” He said it jokingly, but it was absolutely relieving to finally be able to say it out loud, and with the both of them knowing the truth behind the words.

“I really do.” Jae agreed, turning his head to place a kiss on Brian’s palm. And when he felt that that wasn’t enough, he brought Brian’s hand to his lips and began kissing the tips of his fingers.

Brian wanted to stay like this forever, bathe in the attention that Jae had been giving him. But he knew that there was still so much needed to be said.

“Wait, Jae. I’m not done yet.” Brian told him, lacking conviction and sounding as if Jae stopping was the last thing that he wanted. “Do me a favor and get the black notebook on the desk behind you.”

“Oh, so now you’re ordering me around, Kang? After breaking my heart five years ago?” There was no malice in his words, just plain old, Brian-induced banter.

“Just do it, please.” Brian felt his chest lighten after seeing the bright smile back on Jae’s face. And in a moment of absolute weakness (or maybe just out of pure love and adoration), he quickly leaned in to steal a kiss from Jae’s lips.

“No fair,” Jae pouted, a wonderful blush spreading through his cheeks, “come back here. I want more. You’re still not forgiven, Mr. Heartbreaker.”

Brian chuckled. And even though he knew that Jae was just teasing, he really planned on making up for everything, for all the time they wasted being afraid and for hurting him all those years ago. He might not have known he did it, but he wanted to set things right all the same. 

“Get the notebook and I’ll consider kissing you again.” He bargained.

After releasing a heavy and overly dramatic sigh, Jae twisted in his seat to reach across the desk. “What’s this for anyway?”

“Open it to find out.” He told him after Jae placed it on top of his lap. 

This time, Brian didn’t feel nervous. He was about to show Jae one of the most personal and meaningful songs he’s ever written. If anything, he actually couldn’t wait to hear what he thinks of them.

Ever not one to simply do as he was told, Jae continued to complain in such an adorable way. “Why do you even need a notebook in the middle of this? Are you going to take notes or something when—” he cut himself off when he finally saw the pages full of lyrics.

And the yellow post-it notes accompanying each of them.

“Brian, what is this?” His voice was low and careful as his fingers slowly traced lines upon lines of Brian’s emotions put into words. 

“I wrote a song for every note you left behind.” Brian answered, his eyes staying glued to Jae’s, awaiting his reaction.

It was like his whole heart was laid out on the pages of the notebook. And all it ever spoke of was his love for Jae. Singing about smiles forming crescent-shaped eyes, slender fingers on the most perfect hands, subtle yet endearing habits that he only ever let Brian see, and about the depths of his eyes that always held Brian captive. He wrote of surprising someone with simple acts of service, of missing someone in the middle of a fight that neither of them wanted, and of noticing small but intimate things such as nails growing too long, the tips of hair getting into their eyes, and memorizing all of their most sensitive spots. There was also a song describing the pain of waking up to an empty bed.

He laid it all out for Jae to see. So that from now on, he would no longer doubt Brian’s feelings for him.

Almost in an instant, Jae dropped the notebook on the bed to wrap his arms around Brian, trapping him in a heartwarming embrace. Brian had to lean a hand back to support himself from the sheer force of the hug. Jae was practically sitting on his lap with both of his long legs wrapped around the younger’s waist. 

Jae whispered against the crook of his neck, “I love you, too, Brian. So damn much. And I’m sorry.” His fingers played with the back of Brian’s head, combing through his hair. “I’m sorry for not staying.”

Brian placed a kiss on his temple, the touch so soft and reassuring. “Why are you apologizing? It was my fault for making you think that you needed to leave every morning. I was just scared and being a total coward that’s why I said those words. I want you to know that it was never just sex for me too.” He felt Jae’s lips leave a few kisses on his neck as he struggled to continue, “God, we could’ve been dating for months now if you’d just called me out on my bluff that night. Imagine, our first night as a couple would’ve been spent on me sucking your dick.”

He felt the vibrations on his chest as Jae started laughing. “Well, why didn’t you say anything either? Especially when I introduced Mark to you!” Pulling away to properly sit on Brian’s lap, he gave him a slightly mocking look. “Now I get why you were so angry. That would’ve been a great opportunity for you to say something and yet you didn’t.”

Brian rested his hands on Jae’s hips, his fingers absentmindedly caressing the skin underneath the shirt as he defended himself, “Because I was under the impression that you thought love doesn’t last.”

The older interlaced his fingers around Brian’s nape. His voice held a teasing tone as he argued, “But like I said, I don’t believe that at all considering that I never got over you even after five years, you idiot.”

“How was I supposed to know that back then?”

“You could’ve asked!”

“Hey— that’s not fair. You could’ve asked if I really used your song back then too. So, I guess we’re kinda even.”

“Oh, we’re more than even.” Jae leaned back to him, resting their foreheads together. “We’re lovesick idiots.” He chuckled at themselves out of humor, unparalleled relief, and just utter and complete elation. 

And Brian felt the exact same way so he wasted no time capturing those lips. He surged forward, tasting him again and again. Gone were his usual worries of Jae just leaving him again afterwards. Not anymore. Not after what they just confessed to each other. Brian now planned to be as clingy and annoyingly sweet as possible. He really wanted to make up for all the time they wasted being stupid.

He kept kissing Jae’s face as his fingers traced imaginary lines all over the other’s waist.

“Stop laughing. I’m trying to be sweet here,” he whispered against his lips, swallowing more of the giggles that left Jae’s mouth.

“Then stop tickling me.” Jae retorted, reaching down to halt Brian’s hands.

A smirk slowly stretched across Brian’s lips at his words. Pretending not to hear him, he just kept doing it until Jae’s chuckles came in short bursts. 

“No, Bribri— don’t… stop—” he tried to say in between fits of laughter. 

“Don’t stop?” Brian repeated, his voice dripping with false innocence. “If you say so…”

He had on a bright smile of his own as he watched Jae’s face lit up in delight. In a burst of inspiration, he dived in to blow a huff of breath on the sensitive spot below Jae’s left ear, adding it to his onslaught of tickles.

In his attempt to get away from Brian, Jae instinctively scrambled back without looking where he was heading. Fortunately, Brian’s senses were quicker as he reached over to cradle Jae’s head before his back hit the sheets, narrowly missing the desk at the foot of the bed. 

Jae gazed up at him, panting as he narrowed his eyes at Brian in a playful glare. “Hour one of dating and you almost killed me.”

Brian chuckled. He rested his chin on Jae’s chest, feeling the rapid beating of his heart before asking, “Oh, so we’re together now?” He teased, playing along.

“Well, not anymore. I want to break up.” Jae countered, his fingers brushing the strands off Brian’s forehead. “Can’t date someone who’s too aggressive.”

“Sorry, my love, but you’re stuck with me.” To add to his words, he splayed his legs on either side of Jae, effectively trapping him. “No way am I ever gonna let you go now.”

A beautiful blush spread across Jae’s face at the term of endearment. “My love, huh?” He repeated.

Brian suddenly felt shy. _Was it too cheesy?_

“You don’t like it?”

“Oh, no, I love it!” Jae was quick to assure him, tucking his head to place a chaste kiss on his forehead. “I was just expecting you’d call me something along the lines of cheesecake, sweetcheeks, and other names our grandmas love to use.” He joked.

Brian tickled his side again in retaliation.

“Alright, I’ll stop teasing!” Jae concedes, grabbing Brian’s wrists lest he decide to attack him again. 

Brian let out a satisfied smile. He gazed up at Jae’s eyes and found him staring right back. They mirrored each other’s expression, blissful and content. They felt freer, like a huge weight had been lifted right off their chest. And happier. Most definitely happier, now that they can hold each other close without any worries and doubts.

“Love you.” Brian mouthed to him, feeling his heart sing.

“Love you, too.” Jae mouthed back, pursing his lips together to blow him a kiss. 

For quite a while, they just laid there, smiling at each other and savoring the embrace. 

But as per usual, it was Jae who decided to break the silence. “The coffee’s getting cold, we need to get up, Bribri. And we still need to make breakfast.”

“I don’t want to.” Brian refused, tightening his hold on him and feeling the adoring laugh that came because of it.

“I have a class in an hour, Bri. I gotta get ready.” Jae tried again. “Come on, my love.”

Brian nuzzled against Jae’s chest, trying to hide his face and feeling flustered by how much he loved hearing Jae say those words back to him. But even so, he knew it was pointless because Jae already knew all of his tells.

“Are you getting all shy on me now, Brian?”

And instead of answering his teasing remark, Brian suggested, sounding a bit petulant, “I don’t want you to go. Cut classes with me today.”

Jae sighed, relenting, “Fine.”

Surprised, Brian quickly looked back up to his face. “I was just joking, Jae. You don’t have to.”

“But I kinda want to, though.” Jae shrugged, using both hands to cup Brian’s cheeks and laughing freely after squishing them together. “No, I _really_ want to. Can’t leave my Bribri kitty when he looks especially cute like this. Though I do have to go to work later. I already missed my shift yesterday because I was too busy sulking over you.” He chuckled at himself. “You really have me wrapped around your fingers, don’t you, Bri?”

Brian was glowing from the praise. And of course, in getting to spend the rest of the day with his best friend. Who also happened to be his boyfriend.

“I love you.” He repeated out loud this time. Though his voice was slightly muffled because Jae kept playing with his cheeks, the message was still successfully received.

And after Jae mushed Brian’s lips together to form a pout, he leaned down to kiss him again. Brian didn’t need to hear his reply. He already knew he felt the same. And so he returned the gesture, tilting his head sideways to deepen the kiss.

“Hey, I have something to show you too.” Jae told him after a few minutes of them exchanging slow and lazy kisses. They were now laid side by side on the bed, cuddling and talking.

“Nothing I haven’t already seen, touched, or kissed before.” Brian responded with a grin.

“Not like that, you pervert.”

Brian pouted. “Aw, too bad,” he joked, earning him a playful smack on the arm. “Alright, what is it?”

“Hold on.” Jae replied before getting up to retrieve something from his bag that was lying on the floor.

Brian sat up in bed as Jae returned to take a seat beside him. He eyed the yellow binder on Jae’s hands with growing curiosity. Especially after he saw the subtle blush slowly climbing its way up to Jae’s face.

Clearing his throat, Jae presented it to him. “Here’s my personal photography portfolio. I have another that I use professionally, but this is the one that’s more important to me. So, um,” he gently handed it to Brian, suddenly not meeting his eyes, “hope you like it, I guess.”

Brian’s heart thudded loudly in his chest out of excitement. He finally got to see the best of Jae’s works. So without delaying it further, he flipped the cover open.

And right there on the pages and through the pictures, he saw how Jae sees the world. Almost all of them had a piece of Brian in it. The silhouette of his profile captured right when he was laughing, hands steepled on top of a table with his fingers creating patterns of shadows underneath, and a closeup of his eyes bathed in sunlight with his lashes slashing through. 

As he kept getting deeper into it, he was in awe of the coherency in these pictures. Jae really had a talent for capturing things. He played with lights and shadows, creating contrast and depth. And if that wasn’t beautiful enough, he also captured bright and cheerful images that are bursting with color.

There was also Brian laid out on fresh-cut grass by their backyard at home, him looking down at the camera with the clear sky as his background, and just him looking at a Christmas tree with the delight in his eyes piercing through the page. He remembered when most of these were taken but ever since Jae discovered his love for photography, he always kept taking pictures of everything. It never occurred to Brian that this is where each of them would end up, where _he_ would end up.

He felt his heart soar at the thought that _these_ pictures are dear to Jae’s own heart. 

He couldn’t even begin to describe how much this made him happy. He may have caused Jae to stop writing, but it was uplifting to know that he inspired something else. As he thought about it more, he realized that, just like his own lyrics, these pictures are a perfect testament to Jae’s love for him. And that they basically ignite each other’s passion, feeding into it to make it grow. If that wasn’t love and devotion then Brian didn’t know what else to call it.

“So…” Jae prompted when Brian got to the last picture. It was of the two of them laughing into the camera. The angle was a bit crooked as Jae held it in one hand without knowing which way the frame ended. It was taken on their first day as college students, another one added to their long list of milestones they achieved together. “Did you like it?”

“What do you mean ‘did I like it’?!” Brian repeated in a slightly aggressive tone. “I fucking loved it!”

Smiling fondly at him, Jae reached to wipe his tears away, surprising Brian. He was too busy looking through the pictures that he didn’t even realize he started crying. “I can’t tell whether you’re angry,” he used the hem of his own shirt to wipe at Brian’s nose, “or just extremely happy.”

“I’m both, okay?” Brian affirmed as more tears stained his cheeks. He rested his head against Jae’s shoulder, uncaring that he was basically creating a wet patch on his shirt. They’re best friends after all, they’d already seen a whole lot more disgusting things the other did. Snot and tears couldn’t faze them anymore. “I’m kinda upset that you didn’t show this to me sooner. But I know that’s unfair so really, I’m just glad that you found another outlet for all of your incredible talents. I promise I won’t ruin this one for you.”

Jae rubbed soothing circles all over his back. “Don’t say that. You didn’t ruin anything for me. That was my choice and it was all just a misunderstanding anyway. I would hate for you to think that it’s your fault. You hear me, Bribri?” He waited for Brian to pull back and meet his eyes again. “It’s not your fault, okay?” He repeated. After a while, Brian finally gave him a nod in assent. Satisfied, he held his gaze as he continued, “You gave me so much more. In the end, I kept coming back to you. I see you in everything. You are my one and only muse after all.”

As Brian let the words wash over him, savoring them freely and completely, he surged forward to capture Jae’s lips. He didn’t know how else to tell him how much he loves him so he figured it wouldn’t hurt to just show him.

Gently, he laid back down on the bed and effectively pulled Jae on top of him without breaking the kiss. He spread his legs to make room for the other as his hands slipped underneath Jae’s shirt. His fingers began mapping invisible lines all over his back, feeling Jae positively react to his touches by quickly letting Brian taste the inside of his mouth, their tongues mingling together almost delicately.

“Bri, what are you doing?” Jae asked, breathless, after Brian started playing with the elastic band of his boxers, his fingers slipping under for a bit before retreating.

“I’m trying to show how much I love you.” Brian panted back. But then a thought occurred to him as he backtracked, “Unless, of course, you don’t want to?”

“I didn’t say that.” Jae consented before diving in for another kiss.

One of his hands cupped the side of Brian’s face, tilting his head to a certain angle after his lips left the younger’s, only to create a trail of hot kisses down his jaw and all the way to his neck. Brian was pretty much squirming under him. He always loved it whenever Jae took the lead and claimed him.

His own hands quickly worked to lift Jae’s shirt up, wanting it off. The other leaned away for a bit to remove it completely before going back to feasting on Brian’s neck and locating his tiny mole. 

Brian gasped loudly as Jae started grinding on top of him, their clothed semis rubbing together and creating the most delicious friction. Keening with desire, he slipped a hand inside Jae’s boxers to start palming his member. 

“Fuck, Bri,” Jae trembled against him, not expecting the sudden advance. 

Brian was more than satisfied with his reaction so he wasted no time and started stroking along Jae’s length. His thumb kept circling the head as his fingers continued their ministrations, knowing how sensitive Jae gets because of it. 

In the midst of it, Jae went back to kissing him. It was torrid, deep, and messy as Jae moaned, gasped, and whimpered from every flick of his wrist and his thumb continuously teasing at the slit. And Brian drank it all in, feeling satisfied with himself. He kept stroking him to the point that Jae started to thrust into his hand almost involuntarily. 

That was Brian’s cue to stop.

“Oh God.” Jae breathed out, resting his head on Brian’s chest as he tried to catch his breath. Brian found out long ago that Jae had a thing for them coming together. It seemed that he was relieved the younger gave him a little breather. Except that Brian wasn’t exactly done with him yet. Far from it. 

With surprising ease, he flipped their position in bed so that he was now on top of Jae. After placing a fierce, wet kiss on the other’s lips, he sat up and straddled Jae’s hips, the crevice of his ass resting impossibly close to the older’s erection. Noticing this, Brian gyrated down on him to purposefully slide his ass against Jae’s cock. Jae’s hands quickly grabbed hold of Brian’s hips. Not to still his movements but just to have something to hold as his head was thrown back from the wonderful sensation of it.

“Bribri, please…” he whispered, harsh and desperate after Brian leaned back down to nibble the spot below his ear, nipping and sucking like how he knew Jae absolutely loved. “Take these off already.” He commanded with a broken voice, his hands grabbing fistfuls of Brian’s shirt.

Brian let out a low chuckle, equal parts adored and unbelievably turned on by Jae’s demanding nature. “Feeling too eager, aren’t we?” He smirked at him, licking a stripe on his neck before pulling away.

He could have chosen to tease him, prolong it for a little while until he had him begging again, but Brian knew that that was not what he originally planned. Right now, he wanted to focus on Jae, to let him feel good, and to feel the love emanating through their bodies.

Besides, they now have plenty more opportunities to do it long and slow. Brian gladly saved that thought for later.

Following his orders, he quickly took the rest of his clothes off. Jae watched him with fervent eyes, trailing from his neck, down to his broad chest and smooth stomach, and all the way to his dick tenting on his boxers.

Brian felt him shiver from the sheer anticipation of what was to come. Bending down again, he snaked a hand inside Jae’s shorts through the hem on one of his thighs. He heard Jae suck in a breath when he started fondling his balls. And as if that wasn’t enough, Brian liberally placed open-mouthed kisses on the head of his clothed cock, making Jae a groaning mess. _Goddamn, Brian— fuck!_ At which point, he wasn’t sure anymore if the fabric was wet from his saliva, or that Jae had already started leaking pre-come. Or maybe both. 

As he looked up to meet the other’s eyes, white hot desire spread through him at the sight. Once again, Jae had his head thrown back. His torso was slightly arched off the bed and one of his hands reached over to grab Brian’s hair, careful not to halt his wonderful ministrations. 

After a while, Brian’s fingers abandoned his balls only to travel down his perineum until he reached Jae’s hole. As he teased a digit in, he keened from the way Jae’s muscles puckered around his finger, feeling the warmth of his walls. He was just so responsive and ready that Brian couldn’t wait to be inside him again.

“ _Bribri_ ,” Jae gave a drawn out whine. 

Brian paused his kitten kisses on Jae’s dick to ask, almost cooing, “What is it, baby?” 

Jae squirmed some more. Brian assumed it might’ve been because of the endearment that slipped from his lips. Or just that his finger kept teasing his hole even while they were talking.

“Fucking do it already.” He demanded, his tone lacking a little conviction because of his uneven breathing. “Please— Bri, I want you _now_.” He mewled, face desperately scrunched up in a blatant display of arousal.

“I got you, my love.” Brian appeased. His tone was gentle, soothing, and a complete opposite to what his fingers were still doing: putting slight pressure on his perineum that had Jae crying out in absolute pleasure.

The older gave a weak attempt of taking his boxers off and splaying his legs wide in invitation. Fortunately, Brian decided to have mercy on him. Taking his hand back, he pulled the offending clothing off and blindly threw them to the floor. He quickly worked to get himself completely naked as well before getting off the bed to locate where the bottle of lube had ended up after their strenuous lovemaking activity just last night. Except that his foot caught on to something right as he stood up and sent it tumbling to the floor. Looking down, he saw that he accidentally dropped Jae’s portfolio. And beside it, the lube was peeking out from under the bed.

He picked the two objects off the floor, glancing around to see where he could safely place the binder.

“Leave it and get back here, Bribri.” He heard Jae instruct him.

“No, I won’t just leave it. It’s too much of a masterpiece to be left on the floor.” He reasoned.

“Well then hurry up.” Jae practically growled at him, looking adorably distressed and squirming with need.

Brian quickly put the binder on top of the desk before returning to his place and kneeling between Jae’s thighs. 

“I’ll be gentle, okay, baby?” He promised him, mindful of the thought that Jae might still be a little sore from last night.

Jae just nodded at him, watching with eager eyes as Brian poured lube onto his hand and getting it slick before the tip of his middle finger breached his puckering hole. Inch by delicious inch, Brian slowly worked his digit inside Jae’s walls. He heard the older release a huff of breath at the intrusion but then he quickly relaxed himself, helping make the slide a little easier.

Jae moaned after Brian began stroking his finger in and out of him, gently working him loose and open.

“Good?” He asked the older while his free hand was busy caressing and massaging Jae’s thighs.

“Perfect.” Jae praised, sounding breathless.

Encouraged, Brian added in another. Gradually, he increased the speed at which he was thrusting his fingers into Jae’s hole, scissoring them a few times. Incoherent words started slipping from Jae’s lips as the tips of Brian’s fingers grazed his prostate. _There, Bribri… right there— oh, fuck!_ Eyes glued to Jae’s face, he added the final finger before fully hitting the tender spot.

“Brian!” Jae cried as Brian relentlessly focused on his prostate, twisting and crooking his fingers inside of him. Some other words of worship to Brian’s name slipped from Jae’s lips as he did the motions repeatedly, working to get his entrance slick and ready. 

After a short while, Brian saw a bead of pre-come leak from his slit. He felt his own dick jerk against him at the sight before he bent over to wrap his lips around Jae’s cock. Jae shook and trembled under him as more curses and moans were heard in the room. 

“Bribri, please— stop, I’m gonna…” He pulled on Brian’s hair, feeling the familiar tug on the pit of his stomach as Brian abused his prostate. “Fuck, I want you now, please…” 

Heeding his words, Brian tasted a final lick on his dick before pulling away along with his fingers. He felt Jae’s walls clench around him almost as if stopping him from leaving despite his earlier pleas.

Brian stared at the beautiful mess that is Jae, flushed with sweat, hot, and bothered, watching him in return with a hungry and desperate look in his eyes. He weakly reached his hands out in invitation, wanting Brian close.

Brian’s chest swelled as he leaned in for another kiss. He’d always had a weak spot for Jae’s lips. And the thought that he now has the consent to freely go in for a kiss whenever he wanted is doing wonders to his poor heart.

Jae wrapped his legs around his hips, adjusting his position until Brian felt the tip of his cock nudge against Jae’s slick entrance. He dived deeper into the kiss, nibbling and sucking at his lower lip before pulling away to stroke a generous amount lube onto his cock. He knew that Jae was already prepped and ready after working him open for a while but he still wanted to make sure. He released a gasp when Jae’s hand joined in, palming the head and teasing his slit with slender fingers that Brian had always found to be sexy.

Once he was satisfied with it, he gently pried Jae’s hand off to position himself. Grabbing Jae by the hips, he slightly lifted him off the bed. His boyfriend dutifully kept his legs far apart as Brian gazed up at him again.

“You okay?” He asked, his thumbs rubbing circles on the hollow of his hips. 

Jae’s eyes shined as he nodded. “I trust you as much as I love you.”

Heart thudding loudly, Brian finally pushed himself in, almost buckling as he felt the familiar heat of Jae’s walls envelop him. 

Jae started moaning again as Brian leaned over him, the angle making the slide smoother and deeper. He repeated, “I love you, Bri— fuck, oh God, I love you so much—”

“—I love you too, baby. I got you, I got you.” He soothed, gently massaging his hips as one of his hands grabbed the back of Jae's knee to adjust their position as he went deeper still until his balls came flushed against Jae’s ass, bottoming out.

Brian began moving, placing wet kisses all over Jae’s chest as he thrusted faster, pounding harder. 

Jae grew pliant and lax under him, crying out in pleasure and grabbing at Brian to have something to hold on to, something to anchor himself with. 

“God, you’re beautiful— if only you could see yourself right now, Jae,” Brian praised, his hips buckling with intense pleasure.

“You— you, too, babe…” Jae stuttered, back arching and giving out a sob as Brian found his prostate again. “Fu— you feel so good, ohmygod—”

Brian continued thrusting in and out, always hitting straight home and feeling Jae’s cock jerking against their stomachs. They were both a moaning mess as they neared their release, Jae’s feet digging onto Brian’s ass and meeting his thrust. 

Brian watched with wonder as Jae bit his lower lip in wanton, chest quickly rising and falling, and the beautiful shade of red spread all over him.

He couldn’t believe that they belong to each other now. His best friend, the person he trusts his whole life with, and the only one he wanted to be with for the rest of his days, is finally his to keep. To treasure. To love openly and without reservations. And to be loved in return. There was nothing else he could ever ask for.

Tucking his head against Jae’s neck, he went faster and harder still, giving it his all, giving _him_ everything he could ever offer. 

“My love…” he heard Jae call out to him, voice broken and weak. 

As he looked up, Jae captured his lips with his own, giving him a warm and tender kiss that spread all the way to his heart. They held each other close, feeling their love swirling around them.

It was Jae who came first, biting his arm to avoid hurting Brian instead as he released strings of white, hot, and sticky liquid all over their stomachs. His dick was pulsing still as Brian kept pounding into him, the fastest and hardest he ever did, prolonging Jae’s orgasm until he too was releasing inside the older. His own climax was so strong that he suddenly felt boneless after it had completely washed over him. He collapsed on top of the other and feeling Jae’s arms wrap protectively around him, whispering that he did good over and over.

Hearts beating together, they laid like that for a while, blissful and satiated. Brian caressed his cheeks, leaning down to press a slow, passionate kiss on his lips as he pulled out of him. He savored the moan that escaped Jae’s mouth at the delicious drag of him against his walls, sensitive and ever, so responsive. 

After their breathing had started to calm down, Brian felt Jae nuzzling against his chest, just like how he always did before. He placed slow and lazy kisses against his skin, whispering, “I love you, Brian,” he reached a hand to feel Brian’s heartbeat, “It’s always been you.”

“I love you, too, Jae.” Brian smiled, leaning down to kiss the top of his head and locking him in his arms. “You and me against the world, right?”

“Fuck yes.” Jae whispered back, sounding tired but incredibly content. 

Brian pulled him closer, feeling his chest fill up with love and devotion for the other. Now that they were finally together, Brian wanted to spend every morning waking up with Jae right by his side. 

Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. Time for him to be brave. From now on, he wouldn’t hold back on showing his affections.

“Hey, Jae.” He prompted, his finger absentmindedly tracing a line from Jae’s shoulder blade down to his arm. 

“Hm?”

“Starting next semester, why don’t we room together? Like, rent an apartment off-campus?”

Jae quickly looked up at him, surprised. “Seriously?” He asked. 

As Brian thought about it more, it never occurred to him that it was an impulsive move. They grew up together. They’re the best of friends. And now they’re dating each other. They’ve known each other their whole lives, this idea of his was far from being impulsive. If anything, it was probably a long time coming. He genuinely believed it was bound to happen to them, he just wanted to hurry it along to make up for all the time they wasted.

Meeting Jae’s gaze, he hoped the other could see the sincerity in his eyes as he confirmed, “Seriously. So, will you move in with me, Park Jaehyung?”

“Fuck yes!” Jae repeated, louder this time as he surged forward to seal it with a kiss.

And at that moment, Brian felt like he’s the happiest he’s ever been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, this experiment had been fun for me. I gotta say, I’m kinda satisfied with how the smexy scenes turned out (considering how much i tried to avoid writing them before). :) hope this fic had been a fun rollercoaster ride for you too! Until the next one!
> 
> \- Maggie

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


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